Toenail

Toenail by Ozrafs the Great.

Passed Mercury’s bright, metallic glow,
Three friends arrived in Earth’s below:
Ozrafs the Great, in scales of gold,
Rolyat, quick, and Oemor, bold.

From Planet Elppa they had flown,
In a ship with fins of polished stone;
They sought, in nineteen-eighty-something,
A meal that Earthlings called “quite comforting.”

To Campbell, California, down they came,
Drawn by a sign of burger fame:
Bob’s Big Boy smiled, round-cheeked and wide,
With pompadour and tray held high with pride.

“Three cheeseburgers!” Ozrafs declared,
“Make mine with pickles, double-layered!”
“And fries,” said Rolyat, “mountain-high!”
“And strawberry pie,” said Oemor, “O pie!”

They sat in vinyl booths of red,
With ketchup packets near the bread;
Their golden scales shone bright and slick,
And made the waitress blink twice—quick.

They slurped their Cokes through curly straws,
Admiring Earth’s bizarre food laws:
“Why fizz a drink?” asked Oemor,
“Perhaps the bubbles help it roar.”

Then Ozrafs stopped mid-gulp and froze,
A horrid wrinkle crossed his nose.
He yelped, he screamed, he leapt upright—
His golden scales flashed terrified light.

“Something’s in my mouth!” he cried.
Rolyat nearly dropped her pie.
Oemor checked beneath the table:
“Is it a cable or by chance a label?”

Ozrafs spat into his napkin white—
There lay a sight both clean and bright:
A giant toenail, sparkling clear,
The size of a small Earthling’s ear!

It gleamed as if it had been scrubbed
By thirty robots, buffed and rubbed.
Its crescent curve had royal flair,
And smelled faintly of lizard hair.

Rolyat gasped, “I know that claw!
I saw it in the Galactic Law.
It belongs to those from LLedbim’s sphere—
The claw-footed lizard warriors, dear!”

“The overlords?” cried Oemor then.
“The scale-armored, battle-ready men?
The ones who sharpen toes for sport
And tax all planets near their court?”

Ozrafs held the nail aloft.
“It is immaculate—almost soft!
But still, it has no business, gal,
Inside my Coke at Big Boy’s pal!”

A message sped through space that night:
“ELPPA INSULTED! PREPARE TO FIGHT!”
The lizards answered, claws held high:
“RETURN OUR NAIL, OR FRIES WILL FLY!”

Soon trade ships jammed the Milky Way,
With tariffs filed both night and day.
Elppa banned LLedbim claw-polish cream;
LLedbim blocked Elppan solar-beam.

Earth, stuck squarely in the middle,
Tried diplomacy, pie, and fiddle.
Campbell’s mayor declared with dread:
“No more toenails in soda, please,” he said.

Bob’s Big Boy served a peace-talk meal:
Cheeseburgers, Cokes, fries, and strawberry deal.
The lizards drank through extra-wide straws,
While Elppans kept an eye on claws.

At last Ozrafs, with statesman’s grace,
Placed the toenail in a display case.
“It shall remain,” he proudly said,
“Far from all beverages ever fed.”

The lizard lord sniffed. “A treaty, then.
No toenails near the drinks of men.”
Rolyat raised her Coke with cheer:
“To clean feet—and to peace sincere!”

Oemor added, “Let this be
A lesson for each galaxy:
Before you start a trade-war fable,
Check your soda—and read the label.”

So friends, remember when you dine,
With fries and fizz and strawberry fine:
Inspect each cup before you quail—
For peace may hinge upon a toenail.

*

About the Author : Ozrafs the Great sent us this true story from his manse in Greater Agotaras, Planet Elppa, still dealing with tariffs from Planet Lledbim. His friend Rolyat resides in Notstob Major whilst Oemor lives in Lesser Nitsua.
About the Artist : Romeo Esparrago misses both Bob’s Big Boy and Carl’s Jr cheeseburgers but not toenails in his Coke.