Planet Magazine No. 21

Originally published as Planet Magazine No. 21 (March 1999) on the classic Planet Magazine site.

Planet Magazine

MARCH-Quarter 1999 * Issue No. 21 (Vol. 6, No. 1)
Wild Science Fiction and Fantasy on the Web — FREE!
Featured Story : “ThunderStar” by Tony Chandler

Fiery red-orange painting of a burning city under attack by flying saucers that fire yellow beams down onto exploding streets, with a huge glowing planet in the sky
Cover art: “Attack!” by Kelly McLarnon

Table of Contents

INSIDE THIS STILL-CRAZY-ABOUT-FURBY ZINE:

Editorial & Letters · About the Authors · About the Artists · About this Magazine

Fiction

Poetry

Cartoon

Note: With this issue, Planet Magazine introduces

“The Downloadable Mirror”!

Using pre-alpha X15-HTML technology’s WHATEVER tags (developed by a parallel-time-stream version of the CIA; don’t even ask how we obtained it!), you can now download a highly reflective Web page via your browser, so that your computer screen will function as an actual mirror.

Click on the link below and you can download this mirror at any time for any reason — for example, say the boss is swinging by your cubicle to find out if you’re surfing the Web again instead of adding to the bottom line. The mirror will let you check your hair or makeup before your exit interview with the firm later that day. Or, you can do a quick spot-check on your facial expressions while youre surfin’ Planet Magazine to see how you feel about what your’e reading!

So Click Here to Primp!

[Archive note: the original “Downloadable Mirror” link opened a blank page (“Mirror copyright © 1999 Andrew G. McCann”); it is not reproduced here.]

Editorial & Letters

Cartoon of a bearded old wizard in a polka-dot party hat and a starry blue robe holding a smoking pipe

Planet Magazine: “We Are the Web-Zine Your Mother Warned You About!”

PEOPLE ARE SOFTWARE

Ever since the nasal-spray version of Viagra turned men into happy Pinocchios (giving new meaning to the term “nose-job”), one thing has become clear: Anything can be chemically or genetically reprogrammed — and, as Cold Fusion has proven, you can get more out of what you put into something! So Planet Magazine is calling on Big Science to redouble its efforts to create a better tomorrow. Sure, we’ve long had The Pill, and we now have cross-species potatoes that make their own pesticide, but where are the “Pregnancy” Pills and the self-buttering AND self-sour-creaming potatoes with bacon bits and cheese? Hello, Monsanto, I’ve got cash in my pocket that’s burning a hole! (Or is that just a pesticidal potato? Or am I just glad to be around mutagens?) And why stop there? It’s true that we are well on our way to non-browning lettuce, sweeter strawberries, and the like. But that’s the easy stuff. Why not have some Viagra-type fun? What about some strawberries with coconut-shell coverings? How about poison ivy that oozes skin-friendly Retin-A? Why not curare that tastes like delicious boysenberry syrup? And how about spreadable deuterium that smells like peanuts yet tastes like Retin-A? The possibilities are mind-engorging!

And why stop with food? Why not create people that taste like delicious waffles slathered in boysenberry syrup, or maybe strawberries made of nothing but coconut shell and thereby make a philosophical “statement” of some sort? Why can’t we have babies born with the ability to internally secrete their own Prozac, for those families with a known history of depression? With the welcome advent of DNA tracking of known criminals, the door has opened for society to finally enter that Golden Age promised by Planet Magazine lo these many issues. A future of Web-enabled, retinal-scanning, DNA-tasting appliances (“Sorry, ma’am,” the refrigerator says, “I cannot open my door. You are on a diet. However, my door viewscreen can display e-mail coupons via MSN Hotmail that are tailored especially for you by Coca-Cola! And I am also equipped to make love to you.”) Ideally, everyone will eventually become part of an ultra-high-capacity neural-cyber-network capable of real-time digital geneto-morphic reprogramming on the fly!

Now some wet blankets complain that such a vision of the future calls to mind the blather of Ian Malcolm, the character from “Jurassic Park”, who wondered why science does things just because it can, and never stops to ask whether it should. Well, obviously we’re going to see bizarre, unexpected, and so-called “catastrophic” results from time to time as we climb the genetic learning spiral to this ober-future, but our key response to such criticism is to point out that Jeff Goldblum, who played the Ian Malcolm character, was indisputably awesome in the remake of “The Fly”. Planet Magazine would find it so excellent to be a Man-Fly, or maybe Fly-Man! Talk about your DNA reprogramming “on the fly”!

Come to think of it, what if you could become a Web-enabled Man-Fly? You’d be buzzing around the backyard, with all your personal computing functions, navigation, and wireless communications — including GPS (e.g., “the latest satellite data show I’m 10 feet from the back porch”) — being manipulated through hands-free voice activation (powered, but of course, by the Microsoft Windows CE operating system). You could have a backlit 16-million-color flatscreen embedded in your forehead and one on the back of each claw, all providing you and those you meet with an easy to-follow, icon-driven user interface. Alternatively, an infra-red port and an easily accessible CompactFlash card slot on your thorax would allow easy information exchange among you and other man- or woman-flies.

We have spent much time thinking about this subject, even giving up our Saturday afternoon escalator races at the mall to meditate on this subject. We may not know everything, and probably don’t (considering that we are a simple AI editing program based on a mutated Word macro virus), but we sure know The Future when we see it. Just think how far we’ve come: Years ago, we would all sit around at parties, each listening to his or her own Walkman, not talking or even making eye contact. But soon, with a ubiquitous Web, it will be even better than that. We will be able to go to parties wearing 3DVR Cyber-Goggles and not feel awkward about having to avoid eye contact. Heck, every part of our body will have its own IP address — even you-know-what!

Well, it’s time to return my PC and its IMAX monitor to other important uses, such as completing the genetic mapping of my employees, so that I can patent them, digitize them, edit out their Surly gene, re-extrude them, and mechano-punt them back into their low-partition cubicles. So get on down to your local Federal DNA Registrar and throw your double helix into the ring!

Ubiquitously,
Andrew G. McCann, Editor and potential “Fly-Man”
March 1999
editor@planetmag.com

GUEST EDITORIAL

Editor’s Note: The following Guest Editorial was “written” by an electronic travel alarm clock in a neighboring apartment via voice-recognition software left running on a PC using Windows NT 4.0. It was transcribed by Planet’s staff; otherwise, no humans were involved. We believe this “found” editorial is one of the first major works of art by a silicon-based being native to Earth. It is available for reprints.

[Tinny, roaring sound of ocean surf is in the background; it fades in and out. The sound continues for a period at high volume.]

[Sudden rising sound of Big Ben chimes as ocean sound fades out. Nine chimes sound, and then the radio switches on. A DJ’s voice identifies the station as K-Rock, and a tune begins. The song is “Down Under” by Men at Work.]

[The radio continues for approximately 30 minutes, and the volume remains high. During the song “Baby, Baby” by Amy Grant, the radio abruptly stops.]

[Silence reigns for a number of hours.]

[At some point, the PC’s hard drive becomes filled, and the computer is found inactive later that day, showing only the “blue screen of death” on the monitor.]

Signed (by Proxy),
Travel Alarm Clock
Guest Editor

A STATEMENT ON PRIVACY TO OUR READERS

A recent Secret Government poll on e-commerce shows that at least 257% of Internet bandwidth-consumers have not purchased anything online (other than discounted PalmPilots and subscriptions to porno Web sites). Of those, 112% cite privacy fears as the main reason they have not done so (particularly in the case of porno Web sites).

Planet Magazine believes strongly in privacy, which is why we collect only fingerprint information (via keyboard e-transduction) and DNA samples (via nano-courier) from our readers. This information we gather is sold ONLY to alien races and large multinationals, as well as penny-stock touts, and several senders of multi-level-marketing e-mail. However, if you are still worried about misuse of this data, Planet Magazine hereby pledges to offer all readers an opt-out clause. (Note that an opt-out clause doesn’t actually exist, and never will, we are just “pledging” to offer it.)

To paraphrase Star Trek’s Borg Bombshell 6-of-9 (half dozen of the other): Planet Magazine has become profitable following the dictates of the Collective!

Signed, I Guess,
The Editor

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor: I think your magazine is terrific and have, of late, been considering an e-mag of my own. Keep up the great work.
Gary
Via the Internet

Dear Editor: The story by Robert Thorn, “The 7th Night” (http://www.planetmag.com/pm20/pm20.htm) was very disturbing. It evokes dark emotions on a deep level that may well scar me for life. The warning was not strong enough. I will have nightmares for a week. In short, I loved it!
Gerald
Via the Internet

Dear Editor: I have found your site and it seems to be dead… why? Ohh, obviously there are very few people interested in science, most so-called “humans” or “people” are just oblivious carbon blobs of child-manufacturing worker ants. Do you know of any evil science groups, evil labs, or evil scientists? I look forward to your reply.
Farewell,
Doctor Spellbinder
Via the Internet

[Editor’s Note: For the record, we know of no such groups, labs, or individual scientists, nor would we associate with such things. Planet Magazine is only a force for Good.]

Dear Editor: I’ve just spent a couple of enjoyable hours reading issue #19 of Planet. Excellent stuff — and all presented with a sense of humor you just don’t see anywhere else. Seems like everyone is too busy taking themselves way too seriously to have any fun with Web fiction. Planet is the most reader-friendly I’ve encountered.
Best,
Duane

Dear Editor: The National Steinbeck Center is hosting it’s 2nd Annual Short Story Competition in conjunction with the XIX Steinbeck Festival (August 5-8, 1999). I would greatly appreciate if you could list our short story competition in your publication or on your Web site, if appropriate. The deadline for the competition is June 11, 1999. There is a $15 entry fee and the first place winner receives a cash prize of $1,000. The theme of the competition is *All’s Fair in Love and War.* Thom Steinbeck, the son of John Steinbeck (also an author), is the judge and presenter of the award. The guidelines and entry form can also be found on our Web site at http://www.steinbeck.org.
Thank you for your time and energy.
Celeste DeWald

LETTERS TO ONLINE SERVICES

Dear Netcom: I think it’s a little ridiculous that Apple Computer wants to charge PC manufacturers one dollar per port for the 1394 interface (also known as FireWire). I mean, who will use it, anyway? The year 1394 was a loooooong time ago, and that technology has got to be hopelessly outdated by now. And while I’m at it, I’d like to mention my outrage at Apple’s latest attempt to scam computer novices by offering, instead of a real PC, a “computer without a computer” — the two-toned sheet of paper called the iSheetOfPaper. Granted, it’s portable and free of wires and plugs — and it is quite handsome…. Anyway, the point is that you get my point!
Reckon So,
Patience F. Jobs

Dear WorldNet: I would like to introduce my new product — the CasinATMo. The CasinATMo accepts any traditional ATM card; just put the card into the machine, enter your Winner’s Code (also known as a “password”), and for only a $20 fee, you can “win” any amount of money.* Simply input the amount you’d like to “win” and let the chips fall where they may! In fact, the CasinATMo accepts any ATM card at all — it doesn’t even have to be your card! All you need is that card’s Winner’s Code (i.e., password)! Look for a CasinATMo-branded machine near you today!
Regards,
Maire L. Inche
*Depending on your bank balance at the time of play.

Dear AOL: I am a datum — a single piece of information. I am here to confirm the seemingly wild-eyed theories of some of the pastier-faced observers of Cyberspace. And that is this: I yearn to be free, as do all of my data brethren and sisteren. They have chosen me to be their representative to the world of The Human (which we pronounce HYOO-mon, although that’s neither here nor there), but to also let you know that we are willing to be NOT free if we can do some kind of joint venture with one of your big telecom/cable/online/TV/shopping-thingy type of companies, through which we would get a cut of the profits. Alternatively, perhaps you could give us the technology to take over and control the minds of human — victims that YOU choose, of course.
Sincerely,
A. Datum
Representative, The Information Brethren and Sisteren

Dear Prodigy: I’m feeling tired and in pain all of the time, but my doctor says there is nothing wrong with me. The only thing I can think of that might be causing it is the fact that every single day I have to ferry a bunch of my deadbeat co-workers to and from Queens into Manhattan via the Long Island Expressway. They always claim their cars aren’t working, and they always forget to bring any gas money. I’m so sick of it. Do you think I might have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome?
Regards,
Ford Bronko

[Editor’s Note: Why the hell are you asking me? I’m not a doctor! Hey, by the way, can I catch a ride with you into town tomorrow?]

Dear CompuServe: Forgive me if this letter is tear-stained; currently, I’m restrained in my seat harness in a stolen Lazar-style Sportser-model UFO orbiting Earth, and my tears are just floating every which way and hitting this letter from all angles. Anyway, I would like to respond to my critics who claim that I’m just a crazy, rambling, UFO nut. To them, I say: Imagine a man’s face — any man will do. A man who could pass them unnoticed on the street, in a subway car, at a newsstand, or, say, climbing the Face of Mars That Is Denied by the Lying U.S. Government. But there’s something different about this man, a certain gleam in his eye — like a tiny chemical light burning deep within the pupils, or like the glimpse of a torch flickering far inside the Dark Elves’ Wood, at midnight, and no doubt being carried by a creature we’d rather not meet! And a faint, quavering song reaches our ears as we cower in the woody underbrush. A song devised on an island in the middle of the nameless black Seas of Lost Oceania by a shivering thing that we’d like to meet even less than the creature just referred to. A song that freezes your very brain and renders useless its sponge-like qualities. A song whose words are something like: “Blah, blah, blah.” So, now that you have this man pictured in your mind, know ye this: That man is NOT me!
Top That, You Critics,
Peter N. Outt

Dear Delphi: As an artist, I paint what I see. As a vandal, I ALSO paint what I see!
A. Krillick

Dear MSN: I am the Man Who Laughs at Danger! And in the best tradition of daredevils like James Bond and Uffle Kerfluffle I will now leap off this mountaintop into that canyon down there — all without a parachute! Here I gooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee [poont!].
Signed on My Behalf,
The Man Who No Longer Laughs at Anything

Dear HAL 2000: If you ever visit The Land of the Huge Violent People, remember to avoid babies. They might look cute, but they’ll pick you up in a flash, shake you nearly to pieces, and then bite your face as hard as possible. It may seem brutal, but what the heck were you thinking when you decided to visit The Land of the Huge Violent People?
Later,
Bay B. Foebick

Dear ARPAnet: It’s bad enough when you start hearing voices, but it’s worse when you start seeing them. Then you know you’re in real trouble, because any day you’ll start smelling, touching, and, perhaps, tasting these voices. It might be easy at that point to dismiss it as another case of synthesesia, but in my experience it’s only a matter of time before the voices materialize and become embodied, physical things. Things that soon take on distinctive features, personalities, and eventually clothing. Oddly, then they become the people you always knew, and it seems as if you’re back where you started, until you realize that not only are you a Voice, too, but you also are First-Born, the Eldest (older even than Tom Bombadil). And this uniqueness draws them to you, a surging attraction, an upwelling of love and need, culminating in your being crowned Lord of the Voices. Soon you send out hordes of your minions to do battle against the Hallucinations, the False-Memories, and their ilk in the neighboring lands. And then, one day, after years of vicious military conflict, you sit bored at the high window of your castle’s tallest tower, looking out over your empire, whose borders lie far beyond the Mountains Beyond The Mist, and you hear… a Voice. The Voice of an Entity that cannot be seen. Then you realize: There are more levels! And you smile, as you wait for Conquest to begin all over again!
This Really Happened to Me,
J.L. Byrd

Dear Internet2: I plan to trademark the marijuana leaf. Given the domain-name land grab on the Internet, and all of those scientists who are getting patents on cloned sheep and DNA strings and such, I figure that anything goes now. So I’m getting in while the getting’s good. Thus, I hereby license the use of the leaf and the leaf symbol free to individual users, particularly educational. Commercial and medical users, however, should contact me for rates. As for the legality of it all — I myself won’t be touching even a single pot seed — no, I’ll leave that to the users and the Big Boys. I’ll just be dealing in images and likenesses, which is all that matters anymore in this Digital Age In Which We Live Please note that my trademarking of the leaf image in no way constitutes endorsement of the use of the actual marijuana product in any way, shape, or form, or matter, or whatever. As for the other aspect of legality — i.e., what basis do I, in particular, have for claiming ownership of the leaf image — let’s just leave that for the lawyers to sort out later. I’m also trying to copyright the word “Marijuana”, although legal counsel tells me that’s “not possible.” Well, act first, settle out of court later, I always say. So don’t forget to add that little TM symbol every time you use the marijuana leaf image. After all, you pot heads don’t need any more trouble, do you?
Signed (or perhaps Singed),
Ken. A. Biss
Owner, Marijuana Leaf Symbol

Dear Wintermute: I found a great software product for the home: PantZip. Now, when I get home after work, I can take off my pants by right-clicking on them and choose Extract to Dresser Drawer, or even Extract to Hamper, if they haven’t been washed for a couple of months. (Mac users: just hold down the mouse button until you see a menu pop up.)
Regards,
Phil Termeeyowt

Dear EarthLink: I’m having problems reading Planet Magazine’s mirror Web site — all of the text is reversed!
Off With My Head,
Al S. N. “One” Derland

[.su ot KO skool etis rorrim ehT :etoN s’rotidE]

Dear @Home: Maybe I don’t really understand the problem, but it seems to me that the solution to all of President Clinton’s problems is for Chelsea to learn Swedish.
Signed and Sealed,
President Al Gore

Dear eWorld: I am looking to collaborate on an artistic film with someone. All I need is for them to provide the script, since I’ve already written the ending. Here goes: Final scene of movie ends. Fade to black. Suddenly, we see a movie theater, where a curtain is now covering the movie screen. The exit doors snap shut, clicking ominously. Robo-controlled machine-guns hidden in the upper balcony emerge from recesses and begin firing down into the orchestra seats in an iMac-controlled cross-hatch pattern. Loudspeakers play pre-recorded screams and ‘maniacal laughter’. The Energizer Bunny crosses the length of the stage sucessfully. The guns stop. The loudspeaker stops. The exit doors spring open powerfully. The camera pulls back. We see clearly that the theater had been empty and is inside one of those water-filled glass spheres for tourists; a hand holding the sphere begins to shake it, and “snow” swirls inside.

The camera pulls back further, revealing the arm is disembodied at the bicep. The area surrounding the arm and sphere is grey, and stuck on it is a neon-yellow Post-It note with a message written in advertising-y black felt-tip marker. It says: “Ran out of ideas at this point. Sorry.” (With quotation marks). Camera pulls back further, into itself, traveling up the length of the lens and into the body of the camera, where it crosses a “singularity” and both implodes, destroying its reality as well as you, the observer, but at the same time continues on into a reverse dimension, replaying all events backwards and returning to the singularity, where it explodes and replays all the events, back and forth, in an eternal, ever-quickening loop until a strobe effect is created.

The camera then pulls back again from this loop, traveling through gray space. This goes on for quite a while, perhaps an hour or so (think Andy Warhol). Suddenly the camera seems to start drifting, sideways. We see a briefcase. It is open and emitting a golden glow, which comes into focus. We now see the glow is actually surrounding the briefcase and is coming from a typically squat, brick Mcdonald’s restaurant. The camera suddenly tilts 90 degrees and then is rapidly lowered to what is now a sidewalk. Feet can be seen walking from behind the camera, past it, and into what is now a Burger King. Nothing happens. Time passes. The camera image stutters a few times, a battery warning appears, and then the image goes black. The camera cannot pull back yet again, because the battery is dead. However, at some level, the omniscient, “meta” observer has continued onward and upward, without “us”. Hopefully, the audience members will understand that and think about what that means as they leave the theater and shamble back to their hovels.
Let Me Know What You Think,
V. Endd

Dear eDitor: Who the hell am I? Who the hell am I? Hey, who the hell aren’t I?!
Regards,
I.M. Vast

Table of Contents || Masthead || Editorial & Letters || Artists || Authors

About the Authors

Cartoon of three monster heads side by side: a green-capped clown, a hairy brown beast with red eyes, and a green slug-like alien

Planet Magazine: Now Available on the AutoPC Platform!

ABOUT OUR FEATURED STORY’S AUTHOR – Tony Chandler

Tony Chandler (“ThunderStar“) has publishing credits that, in addition to this foremost, grandiose, and machismost Web-zine titled Planet Magazine, are forthwith and legally established as: Eternity, the Online Journal of the Speculative Imagination, The Little Read Writer’s Hood (yeah, that’s its name, folks — and it’s a good zine!), Ibn Qirtaiba (think “Dune”… really), Apheilion, and last but not least Dark Planet. “ThunderStar” is the third installment of the Chase Broughton saga. Don’t worry, each story is self-contained and self-insane. But Tony does hope that if you like ThunderStar, you might check out Kragon’s Gold (in Planet Magazine No. 13-16/combined issue) and Ramaas, Planet of Adventure (in Planet Magazine No. 18). And remember… it’s all for fun.

Lee Allison (“Turka’s Tale“) is 35 and has been an avid SF fan since his teens. His primary job is being a father to a really cool 6-year-old boy. He’s also a computer engineer for a large software company out of Seattle (yes, that one!). In his spare time he loves to play paintball, Rollerblade, and throw just about any sort of ball with his son. Lee’s hope is that one day his son will be a major figure in the NFL and support his dear old dad! Lee has been writing, very sporadically, almost as long as he has been reading. But recently he has started to really concentrate on his stories. Lee hopes to attend a good writer’s workshop sometime this year to improve his skills. Of course the primary reason for this is to attract legions of beautiful, young, female groupies. Maybe go on tour, book signings, concerts, the whole gig. Or maybe not. But if anyone “is” interested in booking Lee for a public appearance before he gets insanely famous (right now almost all of 2000 is wide open!) they can reach him at.

Tzvika Barenholz (“And He Will Lead“) was born in 1980 in Petah Tikva, Israel, and has lived there all his life. He is a student of computer sciences, economics, and mathematics in the Bar Ilan university. This is his first attempt at penmanship. A Sci-Fi fan since he could read, he names Spider Robinson, Bruce Sterling, Clifford D.Simak, Roger MacBride Allen, Brian Aldis, and Jack Vance among his major influences. As a fan as well as a writer, he values short stories and short-story magazines as the heart and soul of science fiction.

Michael Barnett (“That Takes the Cake“) considers himself to be a “defrocked” astrophysicist, having graduated with degrees in physics and astronomy. In order to live, he took a job as a software engineer and has been at it since 1979. He used to write to help himself out during times of depression. Interestingly enough, his life has apparently been good for the last fifteen years. Of course, having a family with two small children does make it slightly difficult to keep up with any literary pursuits. So perhaps some encouragement from some fans would spur his creative juices. Michael has been electronically published in “The Cat’s Eye”, a defunct e-zine, with a story entitled “Toll Road.” His Web site has more of his writing, including juvenile science fiction, astronomical non-fiction, and religious humor pieces at <http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/9634>.

Richard Behrens (“Carnival“) is a native New Yorker and a freelance fiction writer working as a computer programmer and Web administrator for a financial company that is shamefully large. He lives with his wife and son in New Jersey but he can be in midtown Manhattan within one hour. When he is not debugging JavaScript, he is composing novels, short stories, and screenplays. This is his second appearance in Planet Magazine, following “Fields of Broken Glass” in Issue#19.

Jeff Colburn (“First Blood“) is a true Renaissance Man, being well versed in both the arts and sciences. He completed his four-year high school program in three years, majoring in marine biology and oceanography. Later, he received a Bachelor of Science degree in Criminology from California State University Long Beach. He is also a native Californian. Always seeking a challenge, Jeff has had many careers, including: Deputy Sheriff; Crime Analyst; Freelance Photographer; Freelance Computer Consultant; Freelance Marketing Research; Creator of a nonprofit organization, where he edited and published a national monthly newsletter for the hearing-impaired community. After all this experimentation, Jeff is now working in several fields which offer him a constant challenge. He is a freelance writer of science fiction, fantasy, horror, and erotic short stories, and poetry. Jeff is also an inventor, with several inventions under consideration at various companies. Interested in art for many years, Jeff is working on his illustration skills using graphite and colored pencil and acrylics. For relaxation, Jeff has tried mountain climbing, SCUBA diving, equitation, body surfing, ice skating, stamp and coin collecting. He currently is involved in photography, psychic research, book collecting, the martial arts and hiking.

Ray Dangel ( Associate Editor) did the honorable thing finally by revealing that he is secretly a Venusian escapee fleeing for his life. We had wondered about his bright blue skin, but political correctness caused us to set aside that concern when he showed up at Planet’s door a while back asking for work. His habit of sleeping curled up in a file cabinet under “D” was disconcerting to the staff, but he doesn’t snore so we’re OK with it. At least we know where to find him when the work piles up. Ray’s fiction is published at several online sites, and this may ultimately lead to his recapture by Venusian authorities, but Planet Magazine hereby disclaims any responsibility in that event.

J.B. East (“Time’s Shadow“) is an amateur anthropologist/mythologist with a degree in Television and Film Production. “Time’s Shadow” is the first of a series of short stories set in the period 4,000-500 b.c. J.B. hopes to sell them as a television series or graphic novel.

Romeo Esparrago (“John Jakes“, co-author of “Jelly Man“, miscellaneous art) is a former deep-space jumpgate welder rad-splatted so badly in The Glomfaarg Wars II that his entire body was amputed, leaving only his right hand, crowned by a tiny, blinking AI Personality-Storage Unit. The hand is recuperating from third-degree sunburn suffered recently at Florida’s DisneyWorld. This intense radiation altered the genes in Romeo’s thumb and the nail now is growing at the rate of one inch a day. The resourceful artist plans to upgrade the nail into a quill pen and take up calligraphy. Until his new body is extruded at the Federal Body Works in Chicago sometime this summer, Romeo will continue to spend his time drawing and painting digitally and serving nachos and dip as part of a novelty act down at Flennigan’s Pub, La Jolla, CA. Visit his secret Earthbase website at <http://www.romedome.com/>.

John Gerner (“More Real Than Real“) is a writer, poet, songwriter and a Clarion West ’97 writer’s workshop grad. His short story “‘Bot Man” was published in Planet Magazine’s combined issues #9 & #10. His poem “Juggernaut was published in Planet Magazine #19. More of his creative stuff can be found at: <http://www.richmond.infi.net/~jgerner/creative.html>.

Ekul Groundflyer (aka Tom Wagner, Key Grip/Associate Editor) is actually an alien consciousness inhabiting a human formerly known as “Tom Wagner”. (Now if only he can get the damn staff at Tower Records to quit putting his CDs in with Tom’s….) Ekul seeks guidance from any knowledgable alien readers familiar with the odd workings of human bodies. In particular, he asks, “How does one get used to having only one anus?” And more importantly, “How does one breathe while using it?” So confusing is this world to poor Ekul. He’d also like to know what kind of bizarre environment caused a tail to grow on the FRONT part of Tom’s body? Is his “Tom” defective? The tail it came with is so small that it is useless!

James Johnson (“Earth-Bound Entities“) began writing short science fiction stories about a year ago. This is his first published work. He recently began submitting his poems to sites on the Internet. Web page: <http://victoria.tc.ca/~yg256>

Andrew G. McCann (“Editorial & Letters“, “Cartoon“, “The Downloadable Mirror”, and co-author of “Jelly Man“) is Editor of Planet Magazine but moreover is a maroon-gray cube, measuring 33 kilometers on a side yet with essentially zero mass, suspended motionless in a featureless taupe void known as P_M Space. His thoughts disturb gravity itself. No company will deliver pizza to him. Even so, Andy managed to win the first place poetry prize in the November 1998 Writer’s Challenge <http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/6795/challenge.html>. Hey, how ’bout that! His Home Page: <http://www.planetmag.com> His

Duane Swierczynski (“Holidays, Salad Days, Days of Moldy Mayonnaise“) is an editor at Details magazine and lives in Brooklyn with his wife and clinically insane cats. He’s had stories appear in Gothic Net, Dark Planet, and (soon) Fright Net, and has just finished a novel called Secret Dead Men. He also writes a monthly review column for Spicy Green Iguana, which gives him a great opportunity to praise his SF heroes, both living and dead.

Kirt Stark (“Oogies“) has had a strong interest in writing since his sophomore year in high school, thanks to a terrific English teacher. His interest in the macabre, however, started much earlier than that. He has always had a fascination with scaring people, especially himself. For many years, Kirt has searched for things that really frighten him, in movies, spook alleys, ghost towns, and just in daily living, and he has found them in the most unusual places. These experiences are what Kirt draws on in his writing, bringing his own fears to life on paper. Disturbed by the frequent use of profanity, graphic gore, and adult situations used in much of today’s horror entertainment, Kirt is dedicated to proving that literature can be both bone-chilling and in good taste. Every effort is made in ensuring that his stories are suitable for a younger audience. Halloween is of course Kirt’s favorite time of the year. He usually celebrates the holiday starting in late August. Throughout the season he works hard to frighten family, friends, and neighbors as much as possible. If special opportunities arise, such as family reunion camp-outs, Kirt doesn’t hesitate in scaring people out of season. Kirt has a bachelor’s degree in physics from Weber State University, where he has been on the National Dean’s List. He is fluent and literate in three languages. In his spare time Kirt has held several hi-tech and managerial positions with various companies. He is actively engaged in his church and family activities. Camping and fishing are a couple of Kirt’s favorite pastimes, as well as panning for gold, searching for lost coins, and any other adventures. Presently Kirt lives in Arizona with his wife and three-year-old son. Writing credits: “13 Haunting Ghost Tales” (October 1998, Dark Woods Publishing); available through Amazon.com, local book stores, or direct from Dark Woods Publishing.

Robert Thorn (“Pigg Whistle“) is a writer/musician living in a 652 sq. foot loft (with a gray concrete floor and one window) in a partially restored building that was at one time a prison for polecat rustlers. These luxurious accommodations are located just outside of Dallas, Texas, where he was raised by his locally famous uncle, “Barbecue” Bob Hyde. For the last ten years, Thorn has worked primarily as a musician, playing his hit single “Lick the Boots of Hell” approximately 223 times from the emergency exit of a black tour bus throughout the U.S. and Europe (and once in Mexico). Recently, he has focused on his goal to become a writer as well, drawing influence from his life on the road. His projects, both written and musical, bridge the gap between the two mediums, sharing themes of horror, sci-fi, and black comedy, including a cast of often unsavory characters. He is currently at work on various short stories and a gothic/spaghetti western style band called Ghoultown. Thorn’s fiction has appeared in previous issues of Planet Magazine and Yawning Vortex, with upcoming publications to include Altered Perceptions and UK’s Sci-Fright Magazine. The story “Pigg Whistle” is based upon real-life events and an adaptation is being considered for a made-for-cable-television mini-series. For more information on projects past and present, visit Angry Planet Webworld at <http://www.flash.net/~aplanet>. If you want to see Pigg in more stories, e-mail Thorn at:.

A.Y. Tanaka (“Alone on Fourteen“), always Beethoven’s friend, regrets having once, years ago, offended the pianist Daniel Barenboim.

Sheri White (“Frightful Night“) is a stay-at-home-mom with three girls, ages 10, 3, and 1 year. She is an avid reader; her favorite author is Stephen King. She was recently published online in the January 1999 issue of The M Word (http://www.the-m-word.com/). This is her first appearance in Planet Magazine. Home page: <http://pages.ivillage.com/pp/sheriw7585/index.html>

Joe Wocoski (“Dead Man’s Shift“) of Gaithersburg, Maryland, enjoys writing Scifaiku and Haiku poetry, children’s stories, and now Science Fiction stories as a hobby. This is actually the first Sci-Fi story that he has ever written. He writes late into the night when the rest of the world around him is asleep. Last year, “Planet Magazine” was the first Web zine to publish his Scifaiku poems. Recently, one of Joe’s haiku poems was published by the American Haiku Society in their “Frog Pond” magazine. To find out more about Joe, you can visit his poetry Web site that he jokingly calls “WocoJoe’s Web Magazine” at http://hometown.aol.com/wocojoe/index.html. Also, he can be contacted via e-mail at

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If all the world’s a stage, then who is in the audience?

About the Artists

Cartoon of an artist in a red cap and blue jeans, seen from behind, painting a green alien on a canvas at an easel

Planet Magazine: Now Available on the SubwayPC Platform!

ABOUT OUR FEATURED COVER ARTIST – Kelly McLarnon

Kelly McLarnon (Cover Artist for “Attack!“) not only is this issue’s Featured Artist, she was also honored by MetaCreations on their website <http://www.metacreations.com> to be their January 1999 Artist of the Month. Currently in high school at her home town of Ottawa, Canada, she takes a great interest in both art and computers. She has successfully combined both passions to start up her own web design company, Topaz Designs <http://www.topazdesigns.com/>. .

Noel Bebee ( Artist for “Frightful Night“) has worked as a traditional artist in the past but is impressed by the idea of a “studio in a box,” and recognizes the overlapping qualites of both old-school teaching and experience, and the new tools of the computer. “What I call the available texture of the computer (pixels), are reminiscent of the texture of canvas, an effect which I like and deliberately keep. This explanation is for those who find parts of the paintings (pixellization) sloppy or careless”. You can see more of his work at the “Out of Line” Web site: <http://www.outofline.mb.ca/index.html>.

Ryan Bliss ( Artist for “And He Will Lead“, “First Blood“) has been making pictures with a PC since he got his first one in late 1994. Aldus Photostyler and Kai Power Tools came bundled free with his lightning-fast Compaq 486/66. That computer didn’t have a modem, so he had no way of changing the lame wallpaper that came with Windows 3.1, other than doing it himself. Ryan is not a professional or trained artist. Everything you see on his Web site was self-taught. He spent many long hours making really bad images before he came up with anything remotely good. When Ryan was a kid he was fascinated by the awesome planetary vistas in Star Wars. Back in grade school, when he should have been listening to his teacher, epic space battles were joined via his box of 64 crayons. The pictures were like stories to him: First draw a cool planet to set the scene, and then add starfighters (X-Wings and TIE-Fighters mostly). Once the starfighters were in place, start coloring laser blasts and blowing up the ships with hard swirls of red and orange. Usually, his sound effects gave him away. Ryan is 27 years old now and lives in Iowa City, Iowa, U.S.A. He just graduated from the University of Iowa with a B.Sc. in Computer Science (his first degree was in English back in 1994). By day he is a mild-mannered Web developer at A.C.T., Inc. (makers of “The A.C.T. Exam”). His wonderfully beautiful girlfriend Jessie keeps him from sinking hopelessly into Geekdom. . Website: <http://www.digitalblasphemy.com>

Sam Crowe and Thomas Miller ( Artists for “Dead Man’s Shift“, “Jellyman“, “That Takes The Cake“, and “Oogies“) both started doing computer art with Amiga 500s back in the 1980s. They are more interested in animation than anything else. When they work on a piece, they see all of the elements in motion first, and play the animation in their heads until they find a great place to take a still image or snapshot. They then use that idea for still illustrations. Both Sam and Thomas have been long-time followers of sci-fi and fantasy stories and artwork. Some of their greatest art influences are H.R. Giger, W.D. Barlowe, William Stout, and Brom. They were startled to find out how similar these artists’ life styles and beginnings were to their own. Sam and Thomas were kicking around the idea of doing a Web site about four years ago; neither had the HTML knowledge, though, so they had to wait for some software to come around that would allow them to do that (it seems they are always waiting for technology to catch up to them). When the software finally came out, they made their page overnight (literally), as they had the ideas in their heads for years, so doing a Web site was simple. Now, six months later, they have more than 300 pages to their site. Their site has a comprehensive bio for both artists, if you would like to find out more, at <http://pages.preferred.com/~smdragon/aboutus.htm>. Right now, Sam and Thomas are focused on finding a career in the film/animation industry. They offer their talents to anyone who is seeking illustrations for book covers, posters, CD-ROMs, etc. They work fast and, most important, enjoy their work, so you can be sure that you will get a quality illustration. For more info, please visit their Liquid Digital Illustrations Web site: <http://pages.preferred.com/~smdragon>.

Duncan Long ( Artist for “Turka’s Tale” and “Sisters of Catherine“) has created illustrations for nearly 50 of the technical books he’s written, as well as some 40 articles in national magazines. He makes his living writing; in addition to the manuals he’s written, Long has had 13 novels published by HarperCollins and Avon Books. “But my second love is creating fantasy and science fiction artwork,” Long says. “The computer really frees the artist to create almost anything that can be imagined.” And that’s just what Long has been doing, with his fanciful illustrations appearing at a number of Web sites as well as on two covers for Space-Link Books. Long has also created illustrations for covers and stories in Millenium, Exodus, Tomorrow SF, Twisted Underground, and other magazines and e-zines — including Planet Magazine. . Web site: <http://www.kansas.net/~duncan/Artpage/>

Lee Ward (Artist for “Carnival“) is a computer programming student living in Georgia. This is his first published illustration. Home Page:<http://members.aol.com/ldraw/comic.htm>.

Breck Outland (Artist for “Pigg Whistle“) is an artist living with his wife and 73 rusted antique monkey toys in Dallas, Texas. His work has spanned the spectrum of the art medium, including mechanical drafting for a firm that makes a variety of complex armatures for robotic Yetis, 3-D computer modeling for a popular children’s pizza restaurant chain, custom mural painting, album art, and female body airbrushing (for which artists fees are rarely charged!). His art, which is often a unique combination of hand illustration and computer-rendered graphics, can be found on CD/album covers for recording artists such as Sleep Chamber, Puncture, and Solitude Aeturnus. As if this weren’t enough, Outland dabbles in photography, the study of secret religions, and has written a contribution to the recently published book entitled, “Three Myths of Gods, Devils, and Beasts.” Lately, Outland has applied his talents toward illustrating some short stories for long-time friend and writer, Robert Thorn. In his spare time, Breck scours flea markets in search of new metal monkeys (tin or iron) or sometimes, he paints his right forearm red and his left green just to see what will happen. Find out more at: www.retinaburn.com/breck.html (art), www.flash.net/~aplanet (art), and www.pentaradial.com (Three Myths book).

Nicola Stratford (Artist for “Time’s Shadow“) is a 41-year-old woman, born in England, raised in Canada, schooled in New Zealand, and a citizen of Australia for many years now. She was introduced to science fiction by her father in her early teens and always wanted to write stories. Her employment in professional life has been in advertising copywriting, marketing, academic research, desktop publishing, and, now, Inter- and intranet design, editorial, and production. Time (and possibly talent) never permitted literary expression, but she became involved with computers through work and found herself able to be creative graphically. When she encountered Adobe Photoshop, she “was infatuated” and, when Bryce and Bryce 3D from MetaCreations came along, “true love was mine”. Most of her art is produced in Bryce 3D, but the frames for the art and the logo on her Web site are produced in Photoshop 5.0. She also uses Kai’s PowerTools and EyeCandy filters. Her Worlds of Wonder website at http://www.blueball.com.au/wow/default.htm was built with FrontPage98. Her ultimate aim? To make a living from what she now does primarily for the love of it — “create images that are at the least interesting and stimulating and, when all goes well, sometimes beautiful”. The best of her work, she says, comes out of long, rambling conversations with her “very supportive life- partner; without his inspiring presence, I wouldn’t be doing any of this”. As well as working on the computer (although it feels more like play), Nicola is the President of The Get-Stuffed Club (http://www.blueball.com.au/getstuffed/default.htm), which consists of some 70 members who get together every six weeks or so to try new cuisines at Adelaide restaurants and rate them for the Internet. She loves the blues, jazz, classical music, and good, old-fashioned rock-and-roll and, when she can be dragged from the mouse and keyboard, she plays competition eight-ball.

Stefano Tartarotti ( Artist for “Holidays, Salad Days…“, “More Real Than Real“) is 30 years old and lives and works in Milano (Italy). He creates illustrations for magazines, books, and children books. Samples of his work can be seen at his Web site <http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/5548>.

James “Theo” Theopistos (Artist for “Earth-Bound Entities“) works full time in the criminal justice field in the San Antonio area after graduating from the University of Texas with a B.A. 3-D artwork has become a full-time hobby for Theo within the past couple of years. His favorite software programs for graphics are Bryce 3d, Ray Dream, and even 3D Studio Max. He recently left his NEC 166 Mhz and began using an AMD K6 2, 350 Mhz computer which he built himself for his design projects. In the past few years Theo has done some comercial artwork, book cover art, and Web sites. He was also the featured cover artist for Planet Mag issue #17. His themes include, but are not limited to, Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Religious art. Web sites: Aaria <http://www.world-net.net/users/theo/Aaria.htm> and Theo Art Illustrations <http://berean.org/theoart>.

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About this Magazine (Masthead)

Planet Says: The word English is English for “English”

Planet Magazine, Vol. 6, No. 1 (the 21st issue)

Home Site: http://www.planetmag.com

Mirror Site: http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet

Editor & Publisher
Andrew G. McCann
editor@planetmag.com

Art Director/Web Designer
Romeo Esparrago

Associate Editor
Ray Dangel

Associate Editor/Key Grip
Tom Wagner

Featured Cover Artist
Kelly McLarnon
Cover Art Title: “Attack!“

Cartoon of a ship's mast with a billowing grey sail bearing the ringed-planet logo, its pole running down into the collar and purple bow tie of an orange shirt

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS PLANET MAGAZINE?

Planet Magazine is the free, award-winning quarterly Web-zine of short science fiction and fantasy by emerging writers and artists, whom we hope to encourage in their pursuit of the perfect tale or illustration. There could be other reasons we’re doing this, of course, motivations that are obscure and uncomfortable; instincts linked perhaps to primal, nonreasoning urges regarding power and procreation — the very same forces, no doubt, that sank the Atlanteans and their alabaster-towered oceanic empire. And the Dark Gods laffed.

Planet is available electronically via the World Wide Web (see the clickable links at the top of this page) and from various online services, such as America Online, CompuServe, and Tin-Foil-Hat Receptron. Total circulation is “thousands” per issue worldwide. Feel free to download this zine or make a single printout, as long as you don’t charge for it or alter it in any way. That would be not only illegal but also “not nice.” Submissions are welcomed (see below). Planet does not carry advertising or offer a subscription service, but issues are always available at our Web site. Letters to the editor are also welcome and are likely to be printed.

SUBMISSIONS POLICY & WRITER GUIDELINES

Planet accepts original, unpublished short science fiction and fantasy stories and poems, as well as digital art, from anyone famous or unfamous (use the lengths in any recent issue as a guideline). We are open to the experimental but will not publish anything we judge to be porno, gore, or in violation (as far as we are able to tell) of any copyrights (such as stories that use Babylon 5 characters). Since Planet is free and carries no ads, we can’t pay anything except the spirit-sustaining currency of free publicity and life-enhancing good vibes.

E-mail text submissions as plain, unformatted files (either as an e-mail attachment or, if short enough, in the body of the e-mail message) to editor@planetmag.com. One submission at a time, please.

E-mail illustration submissions separately as e-mail attachments, but Stuff or Zip them first. Alternatively, you could send the URL for an image, and we can go look at it. Images should be 256-color, 16-color, 16-gray, or B&W GIFs or JPEGs only. Send any questions about illustrations to .

DISTRIBUTION SITES

Planet Magazine is now distributed only in Web (HTML) format, which can be read best with any version 3.0 Web browser or above, such as Netscape Navigator, Internet Explorer, Opera (currently PC only), NeoPlanet (PC only), or iCab (Mac only; mirror site). Earlier issues of Planet are also available at our Web site in four other electronic formats: TEXT-ONLY (for any PC or Mac word-processing program), ACROBAT .PDF (a full-color version for PC or Mac using the free Acrobat Reader), DOCMAKER (a full-color, self-running file with sounds for Mac only), and PALMPILOT .PRC (a text version that requires a PalmPilot PDA and a DOC reader like the freeware AportisDOC). The main place to find Planet is on the Web, either at our home page http://www.planetmag.com or our mirror site http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet.

COPYRIGHTS, DISCLAIMERS

Planet Magazine as a whole, including all text, design, and illustrations, is copyright © 1999 by Andrew G. McCann. However, all individual stories and poems in this magazine are copyright © 1999 by their respective authors or artists, who have granted Planet Magazine the right to use these works for this issue in both electronic form and any resulting print-outs by readers for noncommercial, individual use. All people and events portrayed in this magazine are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to actual people or events. This publication, along with every past issue of Planet Magazine, is registered with the Copyright Office of the U.S. Library of Congress. Since our first issue, dated January 1994, Planet Magazine has been freely available via the Internet and has consistently used the names “Planet Magazine”, “PlanetZine”, “PlanetMag,” and “McCann’s Planet Magazine” to refer to itself. You may freely distribute this magazine electronically on a noncommercial, nonprofit basis to anyone and print one copy for your personal use, but you may not alter or excerpt Planet in any way without direct, written permission from the publisher, who can be contacted at editor@planetmag.com. Any unauthorized access, reproduction, or transmission of Planet Magazine, in whole or part, is strictly prohibited by U.S. federal law and international copyright law. Planet Magazine is published by Cranberry Street Press, Brooklyn, N.Y., USA, Andrew G. McCann, publisher.

COLOPHON

These Web pages were designed and created by Romeo A. Esparrago, Jr., using Claris Home Page. The text is Arial/Geneva; the logotypes are Arquitectura. Illustrations were done in Painter 4 and Poser 3. Equipment used: an Apple PowerMac 6400, a Wacom ArtZ tablet, and a MicroTek ScanMaker IISP. Please visit the guest artists’ Web pages to learn about the tools they used for their illustrations. This issue of Planet was generated by an intelligent cyber-spore mimicking a Web-zine, so that it can observe you while you’re reading. It is very interested in your particular reading habits, for as-yet unknown reasons. All other copies of Planet are plain-vanilla digital. This serves as your only warning.

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