Planet Magazine No. 42

Originally published as Planet Magazine No. 42 (August 2004) on the classic Planet Magazine site.

Planet Magazine

June Quarter 2004 • Issue No. 42 (Vol. 11, No. 2)
Wild Science Fiction & Fantasy on the Web — Since 1994
Price: 1 StemCell Pak

Cover painting of a man in a long white coat with a cane on stone steps, with airships, an Art Deco tower and smokestacks behind
Cover illustration: “Gurn” © 2004 by Gil Formosa

Table of Contents

Cover art by Gil Formosa · Editorial & Letters · About the Authors · About the Artists · About this Magazine

Stories

Poems

Planet Magazine: Rich, Arrogant, Opinionated, Beautiful. Deal with it.

Editorial & Letters

Planet Magazine: All Stories Coated in Triple-Bonded SF Laminate!

The Editorial Not Written

This issue became so delayed that, in the end, this editorial was never written. Obviously, it was written somewhere in the multiverse, and that is a happy thought. We’ll bet it’s a real rip-snortin’ editorial too! Something exposing political corruption at the highest levels of the local-space confederation, but somehow leaving the readers in those galaxies feeling uplifted and believing in aliens (which, come to think of it, could be us). Oh, how I wish I could read that missive!

On the other hand, there are universes where Planet Magazine was never even started, let alone lacking a simple editorial. What cold, dark places those must be. And that is a sad thought. (Please note that no disrespect is meant toward the fearless and noble Avenging Ice-Cave Wormhole Demons of the planet Nolktuchooe).

Here, in our universe, of course, the editorial was never written, yet the issue was finally published. So that’s a lukewarm thought. And that’s “OK”.

So, what might have been in this reality we call “reality” if this editorial had actually been written? What lives would be sharply inflected upwards or downwards or even sidewards as a result? One thing we do know is that this unwritten editorial you are not reading would have been extremely clever, charmingly self-aware, and perhaps have some third quality we can’t begin to imagine.

What’s just as true is that this editorial-that-never-was would have ended coyly and succinctly with its single, trademark period (what the British call a “full stop”), unless I’m very mistaken about everything

Not Signed,
Andrew G. McCann
August 2004

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor: We all know that civilizations have come and gone here on Earth. What if we too fade, or destroy this planets ability to support life? I’ve been kicking around an idea to preserve a good chunk of humankind’s knowledge as a time capsule of sorts. Any inputs would be appreciated as to whom to approach with the idea. The concept is to launch a rocket with 7 stacks of DVD’s arranged in a cluster, deep into space. I figure an arrangement like this could hold approximately 40000 DVD’s in a 20′ stack.

We are talking 36,000+ gigs of information, images, sounds, you name it. We could save on these DVDs movies, poetry photographs, newspapers, whole spectrums of info. If you’ve ever enjoyed reading Civil War letters, multiply that many, many times. I also think that launching a new one, updated, every year in a different direction would ensure that the record of our existence would endure. Plus, think of what future historians could learn from them 100, 200 or how ever many years it took for us to catch up to them. A phonographic record couldn’t dream to hold what one DVD could hold, let alone 40,000 DVDs clustered together. As an example, every song ever recorded could be saved this way and use less than one percent of the space. Home videos could be put on them, complete works of poetry would be preserved for the ages, never to fade. Imagine finding one of these crafts from another civilization… what wonders we could uncover.

You have a backup safely stored for your computer, yet humankind doesn’t have one for its thousands of years of struggle and inspiration. It’s a shame, and ought to be righted. The DVD deep-space time capsule would do this.I hope this sparks some idea of how to get this to happen.

Thank you for your time,
Zac Lowing
Lombard, ILhttp://www.angelfire.com/il2/zvr/

Dear Editor: Are you feeling curious about which genre authors, magazines, book publishers, artists, galleries, online stores, TV series, films, conventions, and other assorted SFF types have been voted the best of the best for this year? Then take yourself on over to http://www.WoodenRocket.com
Stephen

Dear Editor: On October 14, 2004, Bluestockings Bookstore (172 Allen St., New York, NY) will be hosting an evening of feminist science fiction. Ellen Datlow (editor, scifi.com) will MC the event with readings from Carol Emshwiller (Carmen Dog, The Mount), Marleen Barr (Feminist Fabulation, Oy Pioneer!), Nancy Jane Moore (Imagination Fully Dilated, Imaginings), and Sue Lange (Tritcheon Hash [sf satire]). Feminist sf, an offshoot of the larger science fiction genre, questions the gender roles and stereotypes we live under today and, looking to the future, offers alternatives to our current social constructs. Emshwiller, Barr, Moore, and Lange will provide a taste of what this innovative and unique branch of science fiction offers. There is no charge for admission and there’s a good chance that refreshments will be served. Come participate in an alternate view of the future.
Thanks,
Sue Lange

Dear Editor: Although your magazine is focused on sci-fi art and literature, I would like to know if your readers might be interested in a sci-fi music project that imagines what extraterrestrial music and alien voices sound like. I am preparing to release my fifth CD, titled “Songs from Other Planets.” The music has many futuristic elements, a mix of the familiar and the strange. The CD will be released September 1, 2004.
Jon O’Bergh
Timescape Musichttp://homepage.mac.com/obergh/

Dear Editor: I’d like to get some sample copies of your magazine but unfortunately I don`t have access to any types of credit card in order to subscribe and purchase your magazine. I really need some sample copies of your magazine. It`s so important for me to get some issues of your magazine. I would be very pleased if you would send me at least three sample copies of your magazine differently to: [specific address in Iran removed].
Sincerely yours,
Arezu

[Editor’s Note: Planet is available only electronically.]

Dear Editor: Serebella.com has added a link to “Planet Magazine” on our page about “Science Fiction and Fantasy” which can be found at http://www.serebella.com/directory/Arts/Online_Writing/E-zines/Fiction/Science/Fiction_and_Fantasy/.
Regards,
The Serebella.com Team

Dear Editor: Hello, my name is Shane Chebsey. I sell small press books and comics on the net, including the genre that your ezine covers. I feel that many of my visitors may be interested in your zine, therefore, please feel free to add a free link from my site to yours using the link at the bottom of my linkspage.
All the best with your zine,
Shane Chebseywww.smallzone.co.uk

Letters to the Rightful US President

Dear Al Gore: Whenever a steam-powered robot releases pressure via its ear-valves, do not make the mistake of thinking that whatever you just said to it was an unbreakable logic puzzle that destroyed its positronic cranial lobes in a massive meltdown. That would be a terrible error, especially if you then assumed the robot was completely inoperative and you tried to go through its pockets, looking for some sweet robot-nip. Remember, steam is white and shoots straight out; smoke is black or gray and curls upwards. Trust me on this, buddy.
Regretfully
N. Validd

Dear George W. Bush: I wanted to be the first to tell your readers the news about the new Chinese nuclear-fission phones, which operate using tiny, self-contained nuclear reactors. Some scientist in China figured out how to shrink these atomic furnaces to the size of a matchbook (whatever that is). You can’t get the phones in the US right now, due to federal regulations, but they’re GSM phones, and some of the specialty cellphone web sites will have them. Talk time on these babies is something like one-thousand years! Understandably, they’re quite expensive, especially the jewel-encrusted ones. So leave those to Beyonce and Lindsay Lohan. The one to get is the $149 unshielded version! I’ve been using one for months, and it’s so great that my jaw hits the floor every time I use it, literally.
Via SMS,
Lou Zeen-Myhaire

Dear Vice President Cheney: There’s an old saying: Slow and steady wins the race. That assumes “fast” is unreliable, though. Otherwise, fast and steady wins the race every time. That’s all. You can move on to the next letter now.
Regards,
E. Sopps-Faibels

Dear Howard Dean: One of the great myths about Bob Dylan is that he never wrote any songs about the coming Alien Invasion. Well, guess what? ALL of his songs were about the future Alien War Against Earth. And that’s a war in which I will fully support the eventual winner, by the way, whichever side that may be. Like Bob, I just wanted to be on the record.
The Times They’ll Be A-Changin’,
U. Effo

Dear John Kerry: I got myself one of them TV/Mirrors. Sometimes I turn off the TV and watch myself for a while. You never know what’s going to happen. Once I saw myself get up and walk out of the picture frame. Don’t remember what happened after that.
Never Stop Watchin’,
Boo Batoobe

Dear Ralph Nader: I’ve read all of the Dark Tower books, and they just didn’t make sense to me. But then I had a brainstorm: I re-keyed the entire series in my copy of AppleWorks, did a global search and replace of “Roland” for “Dubya”, and re-read the whole thing. Now the story finally hangs together! Except for the looting.
Say Thank Ya Big-Big,
Ludwig Van Accessible

Dear Editor: I was using one of them wireless McDonald’s “hotspots” and the service was so bad I felt “burned”, and then I dropped my Treo 600 into my lap, causing severe phantom pain. So I’m suing for fifteen million dollars, or 15 million Big Macs, whichever I can get sooner.
I’m Lovin’ It,Y.R. Less

You think your job is bad? Well, I’m the guy who has to come up with these little quips you see in Planet. I’m telling you, this zine is…. wait…. Shhhh, quiet! I think the guards are coming. I have to pretend I’m working. We’ll talk later.

About the Authors

Ray Dangel (Associate Editor and Staff Robot) is communing with the butterflies and the birdies as we speak.

Alissa Grosso (“Commercialism” ) has appeared previously in the publications Quantum Muse, Twilight Times, and the Literal Mind. She lives in the Poconos region of Pennsylvania with three insane felines and works at the local library to earn money to support her writing habit.

Anthony Heffernan (“The Cyclops Syndrome“) is a student of professional writing and editing. He has been published in the following literary forums: The Train Magazine, a print zine distributed throughout the metropolitan area of Melbourne and Victoria, Australia, specializing in media-related stories, articles, etc., in which he has had both a movie review and a humor story published; Skive magazine, an online zine specializing in speculative fiction, in which he has had short stories featured in three separate editions; Alien Skin magazine, an online magazine specializing in science fiction, fantasy, and horror, in which he has had a story of science fiction featured; and, Project M magazine, an online zine specializing in dark fiction, in which he has had a story of dark fantasy featured.

Allen Itz (“Through the 100 Meter Lens“) was born and grew up in south Texas and, except for some of his rowdier years, has lived there most of his life. He currently splits his time between San Antonio, in the Texas hill country, and Corpus Christi, on the coast. Both places, very different from each other, have much that pleases him. Allen published a couple of poems in the late Sixties/early Seventies, then quit writing until he retired several years ago. Since then, he’s had work published in a number of online and print journals, including The Melic Review, Niederngasse, Eclectica, The Horsethief’s Journal, The Green Tricycle, beatnik, AvantGarde Times, The Poet’s Canvas, Maelstrom, and others. He’s been a science fiction fan for fifty years, including both the shoot-em-up space operas and the deeper kind of work that looks for answers to the universal mysteries. Allen dips into some of those kinds of questions himself, in some of his poems, represented in this instance by “Through the 100 Meter Lens.” One of the greatest rewards Allen receives from writing is the response his work generates in those who read it. Accordingly, he’s always pleased to hear from readers at his e-mail address.

Nathan J. Kailhofer (“Route Driver“), who wrote “Karen’s Last Game” for the preceding issue of Planet, is 34 years old and happily married. He’s a third-generation printer in Kaukauna, Wisconsin. (Either he, his dad, and his grandpa just weren’t smart enough to get away, or maybe there’s something about printer’s ink that’s addictive.) Nathan owns a library of over 2,000 novels, mostly science fiction and mysteries, which he inherited. A love of good writing might be a family addiction, too. His work has also appeared in the May 2004 Aphelion magazine.

Sam Kenyon (“Cosmic Lasagna“) has been, or will be soon, published in Aphelion, The Swamp, and Flash Fantastic.
Websites: http://morphodox.com and http://flanneltron.com

Scott Leslie (“Fair Warning”) lives in a remote fishing village somewhere along the coast of Lithuania whose name can only be pronounced by small children and parakeets. At a young age, Scott gave up a promising career as a circus performer so that he could listen to his writing muse. Sadly, she doesn’t give him a minute’s peace. To date, Scott’s work has appeared in a wide range of magazines, anthologies, and web publications, including The Siren, ePasquinade, Blue Murder Magazine, Writual, Satire Weekly, and Starry Night Review. His noir story “A String Of Pearls” was recently included in the audiobook “Oscar’s Hijack” by Blackstone Audio.

Andrew G. McCann (Editor; “Editorial & Letters” and “The Indescribable Alien Encounter“) has a much better bio on the About the Authors page, which isn’t saying much, is it?
editor@planetmag.com

Arthur Sánchez (“Mother Perkins“) is a writer from New York. He’s had more than 20 different professions in his life — from Actor to Security Guard but the thing he enjoys most is trying to tell a good tale. His work has appeared in “2 AM Magazine,” “Fantasy Review,” “Anotherealm.com,” “AstoundingStories.Com,” “Kenoma Magazine,” “Alien Skin Magazine,” and “Quantum Muse.” He is currently working on a series of fantasy novels.
Website: http://www.ArthurSanchez.com

E.S. Strout (“Ringside Seat“) has been published in small-press print magazines “Crossroads”, “Lovecraft’s Mystery Magazine”, “Fading Shadows”, “Mad Scientist”, and “Millennium Science Fiction and Fantasy Magazine”. In addition to Planet Magazine, his stories have appeared in Internet publications “Jackhammer”, “Beyond s-f”, “Millennium SF&F”, and “Demensions”. E.S. Strout is on the faculty of the U.C. Irvine Medical Center, where he teaches skin pathology to dermatology residents.

Joe Vadalma (“Jorvik“) is a retired technical writer who used to work for a major computer company. He’s a voracious reader of all kinds of books, but is especially fond of science fiction and fantasy. He’s had the following short stories published in internet e-zines: “Absolute Creation,” The Fifth Dimension, June 2002; “Androids in Pax,” Dark Moon Rising, October 2003; “Apartment in Clam City,” EOTU, August 2002; “Archeologist and the Physicist,” SFF World, June 2003; “Automatia,” Aphelion, July 2002; “Conspiracy in Time,” Dark Moon Rising, February 2003; “Cosmoergy,” Martian Wave, March 2002; “Count Poperazi,” Swords Edge, January 2003; “Empty Planet,” Aphelion, February 2002; “Gunther,” Dark Moon Rising, October 2002; “Immortal Homecoming,” Aphelion, June 2003; “The Key,” Dark Moon Rising, April 2002 issue; “Mind Odyssey,” Planet Magazine, March 2003; “Mist and Shadow,” Alternate Realities, March 2003; “Nothing but a Coward,” Writer’s Hood, March 2003; “Pop-Art Nightmare,” Nocturne Horizons, January 2002; “Psychic Pop-Up,” Planet Magazine, September 2003; “Sands of Time,” Dark Moon Rising, January 2001; “Shadow in the Sky,” Aphelion, April 2002; “Strange Artifact,” Planet Magazine, June 2003; “Vampire Trial,” Aphelion, October 2003; “Widget Factory,” Aorfe’s Kiss, March 2003. Joe has written several novels that are yet to be published. To see more of his writing, visit “The Fantastic World of Papa Joe”:
Website: www.geocities.com/papajoev

Thomas Wagner (Associate Editor) bathes in Lava and eats continental breakfasts.

Nancy Wilcox (“Holy Chronicles” and “Martian Dreams“), an avatar of the hereditary overmother of Sagittarius III, is based in this reality in Oil Country. One can, on ritual occasions, spot her worshippers performing “The Dance of The Nervous Aside”. Locals profess to believe these are indigenous Russian Thistles, and ignore the odd gulping sounds — as well as the odor of fried rabbit that drifts through the mesquite and cactus. What a wonderful base this reality is for interstellar conquest. And the rabbit is quite good, too.

Planet Magazine is now the only SF zine that can sync with Microsoft Outlook! (Note: special $799 Planet Magazine handheld device is required. USB cable, cradle, conduit software, stylus, battery, and microprocessor are not included and may be purchased separately.)

About the Artists

Robert Castillo (art for “Holy Chronicles“) is an award-winning illustrator who has been drawing since the age of five. He is the oldest of six boys. He was born in New York and raised in the Dominican Republic. In 1977 he returned to the United States, and in 1979 Robert won the prestigious Scholastic Achievement Award and was featured in a National book with the likes of Norman Rockwell. He attended The Art Institute of Boston, where he Graduated with Honors and received The Illustrator of The Year Award. Currently Robert is pursuing a Master’s Degree in Computer Animation at The School of Visual Arts MFACA. He is Storyboard and Conceptual Artist for The Department of Film, founded by Director Nick Quested, who has worked with P. Diddy and Dr. Dre. Department of Film has been in existence for a little over a year and has already completed one feature film, 50 music videos (many which have ranked No. 1 on various video charts). Nominated for two 2001 Billboard Awards, D.O.F’s current slate includes two documentaries and a second motion picture set to be shot in China. The Department of Film will be producing “Kung Fu Theatre” for Mandalay Entertainment / DreamworksPictures — a $20 million film starring Marlon Wayans and produced by Oscar-winning producer A. Kitman Ho (“Born on the 4th of July”, “Wall Street”, “The Doors”, “Platoon”).
Website: http://robertcastillo_3.tripod.com/

Romeo Esparrago (Chief Artist Emeritus; art for “Commercialism“, “The Cyclops Syndrome“, “Jorvik” and “Mother Perkins“) is a weekend virtual Ninja warrior for the Cantonese of Vaud, who on weekdays mans the flagship HMS Essec during the noon-6pm PDT shift that oversees the upper tropeosphere over the Americas, checking for flying saucers that might attack Athena’s Secret Oracle and stealing the Golden Sap on the World WIde Tree of Life on Mt. Everest.
Website: http://www.romedome.com/

Gil Formosa (cover art, “Gurn“), whose French-language biography is available here, created the character of Gurn for his graphic novel “ROBUR” (two volumes are available, and he is working on the third), which was published by famous French editor Albin Michel and also published by Heavy Metal magazine in December 2003. One of Gil’s latest projects was to create the backgrounds for the movie “Double Zero“, directed by Gérard Pirès, a well-known French director,
Website: http://gil.formosa.free.fr/

Andrew G. McCann (art for “The Indescribable Alien Encounter“, “Ringside Seat“, and “Route Driver“) is wanted for crimes in 17 slightly different parallel universes, as are all of the other Andrews. This is the universe where he cares the least about those crimes — which is to say, he cares not at all. But he does care enough to point it out. So that is something, after all. Anyway, these crimes are for galactic littering and orbital jaywalking, and whatnot.

Robert Sorensen (art for “Cosmic Lasagna” and “Through the 100 Meter Lens“) was born in Summit, New Jersey, has lived in Paris, France, and currently resides in Colorado. His education includes studying painting at L’Academie des Beux Arts de Chaville and studying acting at the Lee Strasberg Institute in NYC, followed by professional work in a theatrical touring company and later, work in TV, films, and documentaries. Robert also wrote an SF screenplay about saving planet Earth from an alien invasion in the year 2059, with the title “QUANTEX-Z or ATOMIC VISIONS”. Robert is an avid international voyager whose passion is to visit, contact, and experience the cultures and peoples from all over Planet Earth and has visited most of Europe, Turkey, Israel, Egypt, Turkey, and most recently Mexico. Robert has exhibited his artwork extensively in Paris, once in London, and several times in the United States. In his artwork, Robert most often takes dream images and bites out of his own life and puts them on canvas, paper, or the computer screen. His themes include the hidden aura-energy within all living and non-living subjects and their surrounding environments.

Planet Magazine: You can have it good, you can have it fast, you can have it cheap, or you can have it numerically accurate — but not all three.

About this Magazine (Masthead)

Planet Magazine: Official SF Zine of the Crimson King!

Planet Magazine, Vol. 11, No. 2 (the 42nd issue)

Home Site: http://www.planetmag.com

Mirror Site: http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet

Lord Wizard
Andrew G. McCann
editor@planetmag.com

Exalted Ornamentalist
Romeo Esparrago

Royal Scrivener and Staff Robot
Ray Dangel

Bard of the Empire
Tom Wagner

What In The World Is Planet Magazine?Planet Magazine is the free, award-winning quarterly Web-zine of short science fiction and fantasy by emerging writers and digital artists, whom we hope to encourage in their pursuit of the perfect tale or illustration. There could be other reasons we’re doing this, of course, motivations that are obscure and uncomfortable; instincts linked perhaps to primal, nonreasoning urges regarding power and procreation — the very same forces, no doubt, that sank the Atlanteans and their alabaster-towered oceanic empire. And the Dark Gods laffed.

Planet has been available electronically via the Worldwide Web and Tin-Foil-Hat Receptron since its January-March 1994 debut issue. Total circulation is “thousands ‘n’ thousands” per issue worldwide. Feel free to download this zine or make a single printout, as long as you don’t charge for it or alter it in any way. That would be illegal and, quite frankly, “not nice.” Submissions are welcomed (see below). Planet does not carry advertising or offer a subscription service, but issues are always available at our Web site, with new ones published every March 1, June 1, September 1, or December 1 (or thereabouts). Letters to the editor are encouraged and are likely to be printed.

Guidelines For Submissions
Planet accepts original, unpublished, short science fiction and fantasy stories and poems, as well as digital art, from anyone famous or unfamous (use the lengths in any recent issue as a guideline). We are open to the experimental but will not publish anything we judge to be porno, gore, or in violation (as far as we are able to tell) of any copyrights (such as stories that use Star Trek, Star Wars, or Hello Kitty! characters). Since Planet is free and carries no ads, we can’t pay anything except the spirit-sustaining currency of free publicity and life-enhancing good vibes. For full details on submitting stories, poems, or artwork, please visit:
http://www.planetmag.com/submit.htm.

* E-mail text submissions as plain, unformatted files (either as an e-mail attachment or, if short enough, in the body of the e-mail message) to editor@planetmag.com. One submission at a time, please. Two submissions max.

* E-mail illustration submissions separately as e-mail attachments, but compress them first using StuffIt, WinZip, or PKZip. Alternatively, you could send the URL for an image. Images should be 256-color, 16-color, 16-gray, or B&W GIFs or JPEGs only. Send any questions about illustrations to editor@planetmag.com.

Distribution Sites
Planet Magazine is distributed only in Web (HTML) format, which can be read best with any Web browser, such as Netscape Navigator, Internet Explorer, Opera, Safari, iCab, or OmniWeb. Earlier issues of Planet are also available at our Web site in four other electronic formats: text (.txt) for any PC or Mac word-processing program; Acrobat (.pdf), a full-color version for PC or Mac using the free Acrobat Reader); DocMaker, a full-color, self-running file with sounds for Mac only; and Palm (.prc), a text version that requires a Palm PDA and a DOC reader like the freeware CSpotRun or PalmReader. The main place to find Planet is on the Web, either at our home page http://www.planetmag.com or our mirror site at http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet.

Copyrights & Disclaimers
Planet Magazine as a whole, including all text, design, and illustrations, is copyright © 2003 by Andrew G. McCann. However, all individual stories and poems in this magazine are copyright © 2003 by their respective authors or artists, who have granted Planet Magazine the right to use these works for this issue in both electronic form and any resulting print-outs by readers for noncommercial, individual use. All people and events portrayed in this magazine are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to actual people or events. This publication, along with every past issue of Planet Magazine, is registered with the Copyright Office of the U.S. Library of Congress. Since our first issue, dated January 1994, Planet Magazine has been freely available via the Internet; a trademark for the name “Planet Magazine” is pending. You may freely distribute this magazine electronically on a noncommercial, nonprofit basis to anyone and print one copy for your personal use, but you may not alter or excerpt Planet in any way without direct, written permission from the publisher, who can be contacted at editor@planetmag.com. Any unauthorized access, reproduction, or transmission of Planet Magazine, in whole or part, is strictly prohibited by U.S. federal law and international copyright law. Planet Magazine is published by Cranberry Street Press, Garden City, N.Y., USA, Andrew G. McCann, publisher.

Colophon
This issue was created with Macromedia Dreamweaver 4.1. The Planet Magazine logo was designed by Romeo A. Esparrago, Jr., using “Startling” by Dave Bastian, at http://www.davebastian.com/. (Previous logotypes were in Arquitectura and Times New Roman). The text typeface is Arial, and in some older issues Helvetica or Geneva. Please visit the guest artists’ Web pages to learn about the tools they used for their illustrations. Each issue of Planet Magazine is pre-treated with Zine Freshener!

Planet Magazine ISSN: 1526-1840

“Planet Magazine” is registered with the U.S. Copyright Office

Previous issues of Planet Magazine hosted by: Etext.org