Planet Magazine No. 31

Originally published as Planet Magazine No. 31 (September 2001) on the classic Planet Magazine site.

Planet Magazine

September Quarter 2001 * Issue No. 31 (Vol. 8, No. 3)
Wild Science Fiction & Fantasy on the Web — Since 1994
Price: Less
Featured Story: “Soldiers of Misfortune” by Timothy Dykema

Sketchy painting of a grim bearded soldier in a helmet visor and dark armor, a gunship flying behind him
Cover illustration

Table of Contents

* This issue is dedicated to Timothy Dykema *

Editorial & Letters · About the Authors · About the Artists · About this Magazine

Stories

Poems

Editorial & Letters


Planet’s Pledge: No aliens were harmed very much in the making of this issue.

A Bulletin From ‘The Committee’

I am Hans-Juergen Schlarggen, Secret Head of the World Internet Council, and I have taken control of this editorial by fiat. The WIC can do this. We have the power.

Let me briefly introduce my group. Our informal name for ourselves — not that we are EVER informal — is “The Committee”. We like this because it is vague and scary. The Committee consists of 13 men of apparently East European backgrounds who wear extremely tiny, angular eyeglasses and expensive Italian silk suits in pastel Earth tones. Membership in the committee is so tightly controlled that none of us know how we were picked; we do not know what countries we are from. We do not know who we are. I do not even know who I really am. Yet I know my own name. Interesting, but unimportant. The Committee reports directly to Zolmar, whom the people of Earth know as Alan Greenspan. He reports directly to Greehthalo of Arcturus Prime.

Here is why we are communicating to you today. As you DON’T know, The Committee created what you know as “the Internet” with the aim of setting in motion the ultimate device to weaken humans and ensure that our Alien Keepers receive steady deliveries of human psychic energy to their empire; they use this energy as the equivalent of animal feed. This information is shocking, yes, but you will not be able to do anything about it. (In case you wondered, the WWW’s alleged founder, Tim Berners-Lee, does not exist. Note that his name backwards is Eel-Srenreb Mit. Get the joke? If you lived on Arcturus Prime you would really be laughing right now.)

As I was saying, this human psychic energy is collected through TV tubes, PC monitors, PDA screens, even newspapers — yes, we can do that. Years ago we created credit cards and mass media to suck up energy. Cable TV was one of our better inventions. Now, with the Internet, we have created spam, chat rooms, and various multimedia formats to allow easy access to porno. We created digital cameras, to allow the uploading of pictures of dusty junk onto eBay, which further pulls in your life force. We even created the concept of “online communities” — there is no end to our desire to enmesh our human victims in pointless, energy-sapping pursuits! We own all of the big high-tech media institutions: AOL/Time Warner? Apple Computer? IBM? MIT? NBA? All report directly to us. But truly our greatest device is Planet Magazine, which so subtly blends science fiction, fantasy, irony, and overpowering intelligence into an ambrosiac froth that none of the finest minds in cyberspace can resist slurping down! Yes, YOU, the readers of Planet Magazine, represent the most intelligent and mentally powerful humans in existence! All 15 of you!!

Now, here is our problem. The internet has gotten too big, too powerful. No one could have foreseen how it has all taken off. Not even Zolmar, who has famously complained about “irrational exuberance”. At the same time, like all mundane powers on Earth, we of The Committee have some dependence on the venture-capital firms of Wall Street and Silicon Valley to raise money for our admittedly insane and ghastly enterprises. No one escapes the laws of Economics, after all. Thus, at the same time that we are taking in too much human energy, our VC funding has all but been choked off by the unwinding of the Tech Bubble, as it were. In addition, it’s difficult to get the home world to help out financially, since the alien masters have funding concerns of their own, what with the war with the Ootiez and the destruction of Xoii 12.

So, I am here to ask everyone in the world to stop using the Internet, even though all but 15 humans alive on Earth do not read Planet Magazine, and won’t see this editorial. Crazy thinking, yes, but that is our hallmark. The problem, specifically, is that we are now getting too much psychic energy and the transfer beam from Earth, which is invisible to human senses or instruments, cannot be stabilized. The alien empire’s animal stocks are becoming bloated, floating away into other dimensions, and their cybot herders cannot find them. We cannot shut off the beam, either. It has melted and frozen at the same time and is locked into both the “On” and “Off” positions. What we’ve concluded, in fact, is that the readers of Planet, with their great mental powers, alone could more than sustain the empire for the next few centuries. This means we are further requesting that everyone in the world, including Planet readers, also stop watching TV, listening to the radio, reading newspapers, or even scribbling notes into their handheld computers. Just you few readers dipping into Planet every few months will be enough for us.

Although I do not mean it, thank you very much for doing your part to ensure the continued captivity of the human race. And we hope you appreciate the fact that it’s not been easy for The Committee to lower itself to talk directly to you. In addition, we —

[WE INTERRUPT THIS EDITORIAL WITH A META-BULLETIN FROM ZOLMAR]

This editorial transmission has violated the Secret Internet Protocols and will be terminated, although it’s true that I authorized its publication in the first place — but we alien overlords, like our human agents, are always contradictory in our diktats. Moreover, as of today we have officially and completely run out of funds in our Earth budget. The fact is, it’s quite difficult to manage a global secret society. Complexity isn’t so much the problem, as we rely on proven smart, self-adaptive networking technology. Even so, you should see the state of our headquarters (A.K.A. “HQ”): most of the nuke-proof window shutters are half-shut and jammed that way. There is rust, or grease, everywhere. The volcano-mouth entrance won’t close, and rain gets in. The underwater sub entrance leaks and is unusable. The fission plant is stuttering, and threatening to do a China Syndrome on us, and Maintenance always says it has no time to come by. Don’t even ask about the performance of our mutual funds.

But, truth be told, and “The Committee” is unaware of this as yet, we alien lords long ago gave up control of Human Affairs to “The Machines From The Time Bridge” (which is a whole ‘nother story). In fact, I and my fellow aliens are withdrawing from Earth and heading home next Wednesday. We’ve managed to knock the human-energy transfer beam mentioned above away from our galaxy, which is great for us. Unfortunately, it’s now pointing at your sun. We don’t know what’s going to happen with that, but we ain’t hardly sticking around to find out! If it helps, I can try to arrange to lower interest rates one more time before I go. This is Zolmar, signing off for good. Ciao!

As Channeled By
Andrew G. McCann, Editor
August 2001

Reminder from the Planet Magazine Editorial Board

We would like to remind readers that we are the Planet Magazine Editorial Board, and we are watching you. Right now we are hovering above you in mid-air, exactly 10 meters up and 1.75 meters to your left. Defensively speaking, this is our preferred relative hovering position. We are invisible, but we are angry. Very angry. We have scowls on our faces. Our brows are furrowed, as are the fields on our home world — planted, as always, in anticipation of war so that we can feed our army of superstrong, wisecracking ferret-iguana hybrids. Listen! Can you hear our voices booming across the countryside? Can you detect the flashes of light from the laser-guns and the swords clenched in our fists — weapons-wise, if not literally “weapons wise”, we like to cover all our bases (not to mention all your base, which belong to us). We take the form of mighty humanoid dragons, or in some cases, dragonoid humans. We are the ones who built what the former, non-human Earth overlords think of as “The Machines From The Time Bridge”. Ha! Wheels within wheels within wheels, covered, as always here in Planet Magazine’s Editorial section, with several layers of delicious, melted Monterey Jack-equivalent cheese.

But why are we angry? Because we are strong. Why are we strong? Because we are angry. Also we are strong because each member of the Editorial Board possesses a sorcerous stone, each uniquely identified with an animal spirit (or vegetable or fruit spirit, as some of us are vegetarians) and endowing us with their qualities, only super-enhanced. I, for one, have the ability to hibernate not just through a single winter, but for season upon season upon season — powers granted to me through the strange and disturbing Badger Stone! One of my vegan colleagues, to give you another example, is able to turn an overwhelming and unstoppable green, thanks to the magical Broccoli Stone she carries everywhere she goes.

Now, here are our demands: First, we demand that you easily comprehend this magazine. Second, we demand that you like it without reservations (although we do offer reservations for parties of 15 or more, which automatically includes a 20% gratuity)!

Remember, we are strong! And you are weak! We have had years of training! You have had no years of training. None! Furthermore, you will get no more explanations from us! We have said too much already. We have seen the damage done when one keeps inventing and justifying to bolster one’s position; we have watched “The X Files”!

This has been a reminder from the Editorial Board of Planet Magazine. We will now cease hovering and relax our facial expressions. Thank you.

Enjoy the Magazine,
The Editorial Board

Letters To The Editor

Dear Editor: Phébus Création are proud to announce that their website is now online at the following URL: http://www.phebuscreation.com Please feel free to browse our complete and updated product catalogue and price list. You may now view our products as well as our various diorama galleries, and find out more about us and our products. You may also order from us directly when visiting our site. Please find full details in our ‘Orders’ section. We hope that you will enjoy your visit and that we will hear from you very soon ! We also welcome any question or query you may have so please do not hesitate to contact us at . We are at your service.
Best regards from France
Alain Barrais
Phébus Création

Dear Editor: ShadowKeep Magazine will publish a special Halloween edition this year, which will be in e-book format (PDF and LIT). The issue will be free to anyone to download. We are looking for horror at its scariest for this special issue. What we don’t want is everyday, run-of-the-mill horror themes. Use your imaginations and come up with original themes and villains! Word count: at least 5,000 words, not more than 12,000 words. If your submission falls under or over this amount, it will not be accepted. We very much prefer RTF (rich text format) attachments for submissions. Absolutely do not send your submission in the body of an email message, unless it is in “HTML” format. We’re looking for quality, so submit early and as often as you like. All submissions should be sent to “” with “Halloween Issue” in the subject line. Payment is publication. Deadline for submissions is September 15, 2001. Space is limited, so get those submissions in early!
Dave Bowlin
Webmaster, ShadowKeep
http://www.shadowkeepzine.com

Dear Editor: Twilight Times ezine is celebrating its third anniverary on the Web. This award-winning digital journal just gets better and better. View the stories, poetry, and artwork in the Summer issue now online. Check out an article by Charlotte Boyett-Compo on “What You Won’t Be Getting…” [when you sign with an epublisher.] Also, eBook Ecstasy is a free monthly newsletter aimed at introducing readers to eauthors and epublishers. Each issue features book reviews, new ebook releases and information about e-authors. Purposely designed not to be overly technical, eBook Ecstasy revels in the fun side of reporting.”
Sincerely,
Lida
Twilight Times Books
http://www.twilighttimesbooks.com/
Practical Tips for Online Authors:
http://www.twilighttimesbooks.com/practical_tips.html
E-Book Ecstasy newsletter
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/E-BookEcstasy

Dear Editor: I just wanted to inform you of some recent book publications and want you to know that I cited you and your magazine in the acknowledgments. Four books of poetry have been published and another is in process. Book descriptions appear at www.greatunpublished.com. They are available in print and electronic formats. Their titles are: “One Summer, A Thousand Days” (Haiku); “The Cloud Shaman” (Poetry and short stories for Preteens); “Fires Burning, Deep Inside” (Poetry for Teens); “Turn The Sandglass Over” (Poetry for adults); and “Skyline Drive” (Business poetry. In process.) I will always appreciate the support you showed me in selecting some of my poems for Planet Magazine.
Sincerely,
Charles Albano

Dear Editor: I thought your subscribers might find our new newsletter of interest. Word of Mouth Speculative Fiction Reviews will feature reviews of new science fiction, fantasy, and horror books and e-books as well as those that have been on the shelf a while. In addition, the free e-mail newsletter will feature recommended reading lists, contests, and letters from readers. It ‘”stars” the witty and opinionated David McKinlay, who has been writing for our parent newsletter, Word of Mouth Book Reviews (all genres) for more than a year. Word of Mouth Speculative Fiction Reviews will appear twice monthly. Subscription is free and available by sending a blank email to: More information can be obtained by visiting the Word of Mouth Newsletters website at: http://www.xcpublishing.com/wompage.html
Hope to see you there!
Xina Marie Uhl
Publisher

Dear Editor: My name is Tammy Morrison and I am the promotions director for a great fan-driven/based writing project, the Voyager Virtual Season Eight. This is a Web-based, non-profit project, which will attempt to continue the voyages of the Starship Voyager for the fans, by the fans. This is truly a project without boundaries, being directed, written, and produced by a number of fans across the world — from the US to Canada to Germany to Great Britain. Our motive is to continue the adventures for our fellow fans, and to get the word out to as many people as possible. We’d love it if you could help us in this regard. The premier episode was June 20th, and will be available on the Web site www.creativelogs.com. Please come and check us out.
Yours truly,
Tammy J. Morrison
Promotions Director
Voyager Virtual Season Eight

Letters to Top-10 Back-to-School Must-Have Gadgets

Dear PDA Helmet: I am so dodally freakin’ psyched about “The Lord of the Rings” movie coming up this Christmas that I could kiss an orc! This will be the best film of all time! Better than The Smurfs pilot episode! While I’m at it, I’ve got something to say to all those people who think Tolkien and his fans are just a bunch of immature dorks. What these latter-day Gollums don’t understand is that R.J. Tolkien is easily the greatest single American writer of the past decade!
Sincerely,
Sue “GaladrielNYC” Perfan

Dear Combo MP3 Player/Lecture Notebook: Y’know, Hollywood was so concerned about whether they could create “Jurassic Park III” that they didn’t pause and think whether they should or not. They built on the shoulders of great directors, and took it one step further. They didn’t require discipline to attain their goal of a commercially successful sequel to a sequel, so they don’t accept any responsibility for their actions.
Just a Thought,
Malcolm Ian

Dear Combo Digital Camera/Computer Desk: Through judicious cloning and cross-breeding, I have come up with a cat that has no claws, does not eliminate wastes for the span of its four-week life, behaves just like a dog, and tastes exactly like hamburger. Call me a madman — call me anything you like! — just don’t call PETA.
Thanks,
Kray Z. Cyandist

Dear Wireless-Enabled Bra: Thank goodness for the new, tougher laws against using cellphones while driving, which have encouraged the use of the new hands-free phone headsets. Now, having phone sex while you drive is easier than ever!
Motoring On,
S. Knott Phunnee

Dear Theft-Proof, 500-Pound Laptop: If you want to succeed in business, you have to dress for it. So I tried that, always taking my boss as my role model. My plan didn’t seem to work out at my first job, where my boss was a woman (I’m a man). And it sure didn’t work out at my next job, where my boss was a naked homeless man who was addicted to tincture of opium (they kept him on because he had seniority). So I’ve now decided I’m going to dress for myself at the office and not worry about what anyone thinks. I will just be who I truly am: the youngest son in a long line of Turkish pipe-smoking, midget-circus-clown stilt-walkers who will not bathe for religious reasons.
Just Wastin’ Time,
‘Sir’ Cus Klowne

Dear Virtual-Reality Roommate: I’ve heard of Mad Cow Disease, but I was wondering if there is such a thing as Mad Big Fat Cow Disease, as I do believe my husband has it.
Thank You,
Beau Vinemate

Dear Virtual-Reality Girl or Boyfriend: I am writing to you from my Internet-enabled Michael Jordan Palm while wearing Michael Jordan cologne, eating at an MJ restaurant, and reading MJ’s autobiography. Soon, very soon, I hope to be writing to you from inside his head. Once I sieze control, I will move to Chicago and start playing again for the Bulls!
Hoopy Days Will Be Here Again,
‘Eminjay’

Dear Networkable Term-Paper Generator: I am writing to seek Planet Magazine’s support in my efforts to decriminalize gay aliens. Although it’s not scientifically proven that aliens do exist (the kind from outer space, that is), and we don’t know what sort of genders roles they might have and whether the term “gay” would even apply, and we also don’t know if such behavior would be considered legal or not and by what or whose authority, I nonetheless am persevering in this issue because I’d like to draw some attention to myself.
Thanks Far, Far in Advance,
Luke Atmee

Dear Knee-Phone: I have a “work situation.” It seems that those under my self-appointed command during the night shift in the Word-Processing Department have complained to the shift supervisor that I am “abrasive,” “controlling,” and “extremely offensive”. I, on the other hand, see myself as a “sleek” and “stylish” stage-and-screen actor who is necessarily honing his craft when, and where, he can. What these pasty-faced oxen who refuse to yield to my greatness fail to see is that my performance at work has been perhaps my greatest role yet. Better than my seven months once as a “boyfriend”. These typing twerps fail to recognize that the real “Chip” may be just like the ineffably intriguing characters they see every evening at his workstation, only sans any of those potentially illegal behaviors that I am accused of. What they see as “oppressiveness” on my part is really just excellent character and scene work. Kathy Bates would be proud. After all, while I am doing my “scenes” (in the acting sense) as I polish my instrument in ancticipation of eventual stardom, they are merely “working” at a menial job — I think of it as “Office Theatre”! They should all be grateful. [So, what’s your question? — The Editor.] My question is this: How did you know I had a question, and also, how did you decide to approach this kind of situation when you yourself were called down to Human Resources for “questionable behavior on the job”? [That’s two questions — Ed.] I must disagree. I see it as one, two-part question, if you believe, as I do, that not only is there really only “One Great Question”, of which all other questions are merely tiny facets, but also that I’m never wrong.
Thank You All, Very Much,
“Chip”

[Dear ‘”Chip”: If I were you, and I am, I would point out to HR that all you ever wanted was to make your audience laugh, cry, and cheer — whatever the venue might be — and furthermore that you never once charged an admission fee. If becoming a great actor is a crime, then I say stand guilty as charged! And if things don’t work out for you there, you can always start up an online science fiction ‘zine. — Ed.]

Dear TCP-Enabled Bong: While we are on the subject of acting, I would like to note that I am now accepting new students in my exclusive School of Crowd Acting, where I focus on what is commonly, but unfairly, called “extra work”. In my view, extras are not “extra” at all, but prime ingredients of any film. Without extras, you would not have had “Birth of a Nation”, “Cleopatra”, or “Gandhi”. All great and epic films require bodies to fill space. Ah, but there are “ways” to fill space, and this is the heart of my Theories of Crowd Technique. If you want to know more, you’ll have to sign up. And if you’re wondering about my background, I can be seen, but not recognized, in many acknowledged films, such as all of the stadium scenes in “Bloody Sunday” and the second layer of the mass-grave scene in “El Presidente, Come Back!”, which was screened at Cannes in 1988, although not during the time that the famous festival is held there.
Er… That’s It,
R. Thassit

Dear Editor: Last month, I was so frustrated I threw up my hands. But then, a grin split my face. It was all so horrible. I’ve been in the hospital since. The doctors say that, given my lack of hands and facial disfigurement, they’re not sure if I’ll ever be able to imitate Jimi Hendrix’s guitar-playing style, which I suppose isn’t so bad, since I never could do it before.
Thanks for Reading,
Hans N. Phaise

“The Machines From The Time Bridge” say to Humanity: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! At the same time they chug around in big circles while emitting a voit-voit-voit-poot sound from the top of their “heads”, which looks and sounds ridiculous and takes some of the edge off that evil laughter of theirs. However, they have all been implanted with Emotionally-Oversensitive Chips. So to laugh at them is to invite your doom….

About the Authors

Richard Behrens (“No One’s Future“) is a native New Yorker now living in denial in New Jersey. He is a staff writer for The Modern Word web site for which he is working on a Philip K. Dick project. He has been published several times in Planet Magazine as well as Parabola, Blue Light Red Light, Forbidden Lines, Dark Planet, Morella, Aphelion, InterText, and many others. His real-life identity is designing Web applications for an astonishingly large financial firm. His personal Web site is http://www.pipeline.com/~behrens where many of his scuttled starships can be seen steaming in the sands. He lives with his wife Sandrea and their son Kristopher.

Tony Chandler (“Qarzaak“) has had a great 2001 so far. He cruised up to Alaska and saw his first whales in-person. And he even managed a short trip down to the Turks & Caicos Islands for some fab snorkeling! His wife and daughter are doing well, as are both his little furry gatos. Tony’s first novel “MotherShip” is due out as a paperback this fall, hopefully in mid-October. Please visit www.tonychandler.com for all the latest on “MotherShip” (and Tony!). Enjoy the rest of the year, fair and loyal readers of Planet Mag!

Ray Dangel (Associate Editor), Chief Binder of Planet Magazine, lives near Denver and he’d be famous if a lot more folks had heard of him. That’s unlikely because he spends most of his time snoozing in the file cabinet under “B.” No, he isn’t misfiling himself. “B” stands for Blue because Binder is the color of Colorado’s summer sky, his favorite color, and also that’s how we know where to find him when it’s time to wake him up. Binder’s homeland is Venus, where all have blue skin. However, after hitching a long ride to Earth on Comet Kreutzfeld-Jacob, Binder discovered he had developed an allergy to work. If he does more than 10 minutes of it in 24 hours, he breaks out in an acid sweat. Planet replaced his dissolved chair five times, then fired him. He had no place else to go, so the “B” drawer was loaned to him until he finds a new position. A precautionary sign was placed on the cabinet drawer stating in three-inch-high blue letters: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THIS PERSON TO BE PERMITTED TO DO ANY TYPE OF WORK!!

John Devlin (“Kandy: Everyone Wants Some“) has a great wife and a wonderful little two-year-old son. He loves playing hockey for its ballet and brutality, and he loves reading probably for those same reasons, and he’s going to keep writing until enough people notice and he can make a living out of it.

Tim Dykema (“Soldiers of Misfortune“): From “The Holland Sentinel” of Holland, Michigan:

Timothy J. Dykema, 34, of Louisville, Ky., formerly of Holland, died Friday, June 15, 2001, while waiting for a kidney transplant. Born in Allegan, he graduated from West Ottawa High school in 1984. He attended Grand Valley State University and later Central Michigan University. He was active with bands at all three schools. He moved to Louisville where he worked as a writer and musician. He wrote two novels, both of which are at publishers, and produced two short feature films.

The following is from Tim’s family:

Tim was a talented writer and musician who inspired and influenced the lives of many other artists and writers. After many years of battling juvenile diabetes, Tim lost the fight. Before he died, he happily told friends and family that he had everything he had ever wanted. He spent his last months doing what he loved to do best, writing. It made him proud to know that his story, “Soldiers of Misfortune” would be published with graphics.

The bio that Tim sent to Planet Magazine before he died reads as follows:

Tim Dykema is a free-lance writer and journalist from Louisville, Kentucky. His work has appeared in a number of local and regional magazines and newspapers, and in the e-zines Quantum Muse, Schrodinger’s Mouse, and Steelcaves.

To contact Tim’s relatives, e-mail:

Romeo Esparrago (“International Space Stations“, associate editor) has been a retired vacationer for many years. He hopes to once again take up the vocation of vacationing soon. Until then, Romeo will continue his role as a retired vacationer by “working” five days a week.
http://www.romedome.com/.

David Gill (“Carnaby Street Station“) has written short stories for a number of magazines, including The London Magazine, Jennings Magazine, Margin, Dream Magazine, Cambrensis, The New Welsh Review, and Interzone. He won the Welsh Academy’s annual John Tripp award for short stories. For the past year David has been concentrating on writing a science-based novel and has been signed by Peters, Fraser and Dunlop, a large literary agency based in London.

David was born in Cardiff, Wales, in 1967 into a working-class, mixed race, Catholic family. He attended Imperial College, University of London, from 1987, graduating in Physics in 1991. He worked on mathematical models at Imperial College for two years after graduating and since has taken a series of part-time or short-term jobs in science and computing to support himself and also allow time to write. He has worked for many City of London institutions, biotechnology companies and both the Metropolitan police and City of London police. He also regularly works in Ireland and America.

Marcelo Hipolito and Marcelo Machado (Weird World: Bats of a Fur): Marcelo Hipolito is 31 years old and lives in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He has a degree in Cinema, and also in Business Administration. He is currently working as a script editor for a Brazilian-based TV company. He is also a sci-fi buff who loves films like “The Matrix” and TV shows such as “Babylon 5” and “Stargate SG-1”.

Marcelo Machado is 34 years old and also lives in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He is an actor/writer/director of both TV and theatre and is currently studying Philosophy in the Rio de Janeiro State University. Like his associate, he also loves “Babylon 5” and “Stargate SG-1” amongst many other quality sci-fi TV shows, and hopes that in the near future he will be producing one of his own.

Marcelo Hipolito wrote and directed two short-length films: “Bom Dia, Cinema” (Good Morning, Cinema) and “O Homem na Escada” (The Man On The Stairs). He produced and edited the short-length film “SaÁaricando” (Having Fun). He wrote, produced and directed the short-length TV show “Pacto Sangrento” (Blood Pact) for TV2 ProduÁes ArtÌsticas and the hour-long documentary “Pena de Morte” (Death Sentence) for BemTv ProduÁes.

Marcelo Machado wrote the short-length films “O Corvo e o Vento” (The Crow and the Wind) and “A Dama de Ouro Preto” (The Ouro Preto Lady). He wrote the short-length TV show “Pacto Sangrento” (Blood Pact) for TV2 ProduÁes ArtÌsticas and the hour-long documentary “Pena de Morte” (Death Sentence) for BemTv ProduÁes.

As a team, Marcelo Hipolito & Marcelo Machado developed scripts for both television and cinema. “The Darkening: New Blood” is their latest script for the American film industry, the previous ones are for the feature films “The Planet” and “A Fairy’s Tale”. For TV, they wrote a few one-hour episodes for the shows “The X-Files” and “Star Trek: Voyager”. They are currently being represented by Joseph Estephan from Screenwriters and Associates Management Group.

Sven Kloepping (“Speedway to Hell“) was born someday in the future, working part-time as a taxi driver in the Oklahoma City District, and part-time as a travelling author who currently benefits from his knowledge of future inventions and social developments. As a taxi driver he doesn’t really know how to make money, so he goes on writing sci-fi and strongly believes it to have a future. You can visit him online via http://www.sf4you.de or offline, though he can’t guarantee that his metropolitan flat in 455th Avenue Southeast, 3.401st floor still exists. For further info send an old-fashioned e-mail to the address below and wait ’til a taxi hovers over your head.

Justin R. Lawfer (“Excuse“) is a student at Edgewood College in Madison, WI. His work has appeared on http://dragonlaugh.freeyellow.com and http://www.Spacerat.co.uk. He is a fan of giant monster movies, Monty Python, and fantasy stories.

Marcelo Machado and Marcelo Hipolito (“Weird World: Bats of a Fur“): See biographical entries above.

Julian Maven (“Uncharted Waters“) is twenty-three years old, going on seventy-three; he enjoys cats, tweed, and a good pipe in the morning, and generally speaking he feels fifty years out of place in any given situation. He lives a troglodytic lifestyle in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest, and brave folklore graduate students often make a pilgrimage to his shanty for a cup of tea and a good, solid discussion about the Niebelungenlied or the pride of Agamemnon. He is currently working on a graphic novel adaption of Dante Alighieri’s Inferno. “Uncharted Waters” is Julian’s sophomore appearance in Planet Magazine.

Andrew G. McCann (Editor) is a black-budget experiment involving stem cells and quarks who somehow got loose from a lab at the CIA’s Hither Hills underground campus — although chances are that the “somehow” in question goes by the name of Sean Kirby in Security. How that lush ever got a plum job like that is a mystery. All he had to do was keep the damned lab door closed. How hard is that? But noooo, someone needed “fresh air” and got a little sleepy. With the way things are going in this country, it’s a wonder the Russkies haven’t set up house-keeping in the Lincoln Bedroom! Anyway, McCann subsequently digitized himself and is living the wild life of an electro-entity on the Tech-Bubble-ravaged Internet and, being a highly adaptable and glib life form, has picked up some handy sci-fi editing skills and the ability to discuss himself fully and easily, and at great length, in the third person. And, we believe, that third man is a person named Harry Lime!
editor@planetmag.com

Hathno Paige (“Evil Djinn from the Thirteenth-Dimension“) is the award-winning author of “Lentil Patty: Breakfast or Brake Shoe?”, a book for recovering vegans.

s.c. virtes (“Shipment to Nowhere“) is a Web and database guru by day, creative guy by night. His works have appeared in Analog, Space & Time, Ideomancer, Dreams & Nightmares, Star*Line, Zipzap and more. He has a story collection (“Year of the Twist”) and poetry chapbook (“The other secret house”) currently available. He just loves to play with words …
Web-site: tales.scvs.com

Tom Wagner (Associate Editor) is just back from the Clarion 2001 sci-fi writers workshop (http://www.msu.edu/~clarion/) at Michigan State University, which he thoroughly enjoyed and highly recommends. Though he successfully avoided the tattoos and nipple piercings, he did develop an appreciation for bad horror movies.

In Memoriam: Poul Anderson

About the Artists

Jon Eke (art for “Uncharted Waters“) was born in 1967 in Amersham, north of London, and grew up in the Midlands before moving to Merseyside in 1986, where he currently works in the operating theatres at the local NHS hospital. Apart from computer art, his other main hobbies are astronomy, photography, and writing highly personal science fiction tales. Among his favourite writers he includes James Tiptree Jr, Cordwainer Smith, Philip K Dick, Samuel Delany, Barry Malzberg, William Burroughs, Robert Aickman, Ramsey Campbell, Clark Ashton Smith, and H.P.Lovecraft (actually, if the truth be told, he’s top of the list). Jon is also a member of the Ghost Story society and his main ambition in life is to write just one truly successful ghost story. If he manages that, he’ll die a happy man!.

Romeo Esparrago (art for “Qarzaak“, “Soldiers of Misfortune“, and “International Space Station“) loved the debut of the film “The Debut”. Watch it! Visit the movie’s Web site for more info at http://debutfilm.pinoynet.com/launch.asp

Check out Romeo’s recent art for author Richard Behrens at: http://www.pipeline.com/~behrens/Romeo/RomeoMainFrame.htm

Cynthia Frederick (art for “Excuse“) started making digital images at age 14 on her mother’s Apple computer. She had an idea to make sets of little 8-pixel-high people and sell them to clip-art companies. That turned into learning to use paint and photo-editing programs, and she began using 3-D software about three years ago. Cynthia lives in the spectacular mountains of Western North Carolina, working as a graphic artist.

Matt Morrow (art for “Evil Djinn from the Thirteenth-Dimension“, “Kandy: Everyone Wants Some“, and for “No One’s Future“) Matt Morrow received a bachelor’s degree in fine arts from the University of Nebraska at Lincoln in 1994. Since then, he has worked as a prepress technician in the printing industry and later moved on to creating editorial illustrations full time for a national computer magazine. Currently, he is pursuing a freelance career and has worked on a variety of projects including package art, advertising, Web icons, and fantasy illustrations.
Web site: www.tconl.com/~mz9000/.

Rononymous (artist for “Weird World: Bats of a Fur“), aka Sudo Nim, nicknamed “Tha Alias” and synonymous with antonyms, is a fan of that warrior-king Lapu Lapu, famous for preventing Ferdinand Magellan from circumnavigating the world (by mortally whooping his ass in the PI). Rono’s (his other shortcut handle) favourite bands include Fly Brown Dragons and Pinay. His favourite old-time actress-actor pair is Nora Aunor and Tirso Cruz III. Nonymoose’s (his Yahoo IM chatname) art style is a bamboo woodcut style that utilizes the Kali stick-fighting technique with the use of such fighting knives such as the Kris, Bolo, Daga, and Dumog. The red color comes from the lava blood that courses through his hot veins that splashes onto the bamboo when he nicks himself. Ouch. He can also chew gum and dance the Tinikling at the same time. Wow.

Patrick Stacy (art for “Shipment to Nowhere“) hails from Germany, and like many before, started young. His main emphasis in childhood was comics and he soon became an excellent tracer. Never content, the challenge was then to illustrate freehand; now that would be talent. Early influences are still inspirational today, such as the legendary Frazetta, Vallejo, and Parrish. Classical influences were Rubens and Caravaggio. The goal of course is, with any luck, to break into the book cover and magazine markets. As mentioned earlier about never being content, currently in the process of learning to create webpages through HTML and Photoshop. In the process of updating website to include upgrades as well as new illustrations. Winner of the L.Ron Hubbard’s Illustrators of the Future contest in 1996 as well as two illustrations within the volume. Web-site: http://members.nbci.com/pstacyart/

John Vega (art for “Carnaby Street Station“) is an award-winning new media designer, Flash designer, and Digital Surreal artist from Boulder, Colorado. The tools he uses to create his digital art include 3D Studio Max, Poser, Photoshop, Flash, and Acid. Web site: http://www.dancingimage.com

Ernst Wurdack (art for “Speedway to Hell“), born in 1959, studied economics at the University of Regensburg, Germany, before he got a job at Kodak. He worked there for eight years as a trainer for professional photographers and three years as sales-director. Since 1999 he has been a freelance artist and publisher. He has recently done some CD cover artwork for a heavy metal band. http://www.donau.de/privhome/ernstwurdack

For Sale: Secret planet behind the sun! Oops. Now it’s not secret anymore. Well, there was no other way to sell it quickly, and it still makes a great base for staging an invasion of Earth, so I won’t go lower than 12 trillion Solarian Kopeks. Please pay in advance.
For details, e-mail:

About this Magazine (Masthead)


Planet Magazine: Now With Only Half the Fat!*

Planet Magazine, Vol. 8, No. 3 (the 31st issue)

Home Site: http://www.planetmag.com

Mirror Site: http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet

Chief Ink-Taster
Andrew G. McCann
editor@planetmag.com

Foundry Director
Romeo Esparrago

Chief Binder
Ray Dangel

Parchment Tester
Tom Wagner

What In The World Is Planet Magazine?
Planet Magazine is the free, award-winning quarterly Web-zine of short science fiction and fantasy by emerging writers and digital artists, whom we hope to encourage in their pursuit of the perfect tale or illustration. There could be other reasons we’re doing this, of course, motivations that are obscure and uncomfortable; instincts linked perhaps to primal, nonreasoning urges regarding power and procreation — the very same forces, no doubt, that sank the Atlanteans and their alabaster-towered oceanic empire. And the Dark Gods laffed.

Planet has been available electronically via the World-Wide Web (see the clickable links at the top of this page) and Tin-Foil-Hat Receptron since January 1, 1994. Total circulation is “thousands ‘n’ thousands” per issue worldwide. Feel free to download this zine or make a single printout, as long as you don’t charge for it or alter it in any way. That would be illegal and “not nice.” Submissions are welcomed (see below). Planet does not carry advertising or offer a subscription service, but issues are always available at our Web site, with new ones published every March 1, June 1, September 1, or December 1 (or thereabouts). Letters to the editor are encouraged and are likely to be printed.

Guidelines For Submissions
Planet accepts original, unpublished short science fiction and fantasy stories and poems, as well as digital art, from anyone famous or unfamous (use the lengths in any recent issue as a guideline). We are open to the experimental but will not publish anything we judge to be porno, gore, or in violation (as far as we are able to tell) of any copyrights (such as stories that use Star Trek, Star Wars, or Babylon 5 characters). Since Planet is free and carries no ads, we can’t pay anything except the spirit-sustaining currency of free publicity and life-enhancing good vibes. For full details on submitting stories, poems, or artwork, please visit:
http://www.planetmag.com/submit.htm.

* E-mail text submissions as plain, unformatted files (either as an e-mail attachment or, if short enough, in the body of the e-mail message) to editor@planetmag.com. One submission at a time, please. Two submissions max.

* E-mail illustration submissions separately as e-mail attachments, but Stuff or Zip them first. Alternatively, you could send the URL for an image, and we can go look at it. Images should be 256-color, 16-color, 16-gray, or B&W GIFs or JPEGs only. Send any questions about illustrations to editor@planetmag.com.

Distribution Sites
Planet Magazine is distributed only in Web (HTML) format, which can be read best with any version 3.0 or above Web browser, such as Netscape Navigator, Internet Explorer, Opera, NeoPlanet, iCab, or OmniWeb. Earlier issues of Planet are also available at our Web site in four other electronic formats: text (.txt) for any PC or Mac word-processing program; Acrobat (.pdf), a full-color version for PC or Mac using the free Acrobat Reader); DocMaker, a full-color, self-running file with sounds for Mac only; and Palm (.prc), a text version that requires a Palm PDA and a DOC reader like the freeware CSpotRun. The main place to find Planet is on the Web, either at our home page http://www.planetmag.com or our mirror site http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet.

Copyrights & Disclaimers
Planet Magazine as a whole, including all text, design, and illustrations, is copyright © 2001 by Andrew G. McCann. However, all individual stories and poems in this magazine are copyright © 2001 by their respective authors or artists, who have granted Planet Magazine the right to use these works for this issue in both electronic form and any resulting print-outs by readers for noncommercial, individual use. All people and events portrayed in this magazine are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to actual people or events. This publication, along with every past issue of Planet Magazine, is registered with the Copyright Office of the U.S. Library of Congress. Since our first issue, dated January 1994, Planet Magazine has been freely available via the Internet and has consistently used the names “Planet Magazine”, “PlanetZine”, “PlanetMag,” and “McCann’s Planet Magazine” to refer to itself. You may freely distribute this magazine electronically on a noncommercial, nonprofit basis to anyone and print one copy for your personal use, but you may not alter or excerpt Planet in any way without direct, written permission from the publisher, who can be contacted at editor@planetmag.com. Any unauthorized access, reproduction, or transmission of Planet Magazine, in whole or part, is strictly prohibited by U.S. federal law and international copyright law. Planet Magazine is published by Cranberry Street Press, Garden City, N.Y., USA, Andrew G. McCann, publisher.

Colophon
This issue was created with Adobe GoLive 5.0 on an iMac DV. Some of the artwork was designed and created by Romeo A. Esparrago, Jr., using Adobe GoLive 4.0 and ImageStyler. The text is Arial/Helvetica/Geneva; the logotypes are Arquitectura. Some illustrations were done in Painter 4. Equipment used: an iMac DV, a Titanium G4 PowerBook, a Wacom ArtZ tablet, and a MicroTek ScanMaker IISP. Please visit the guest artists’ Web pages to learn about the tools they used for their illustrations. Every issue of Planet is 100% intern-free.

Planet Magazine ISSN: 1526-1840.
Planet Magazine is a registered service mark.

* Of pure fat.