Planet Magazine No. 36

Originally published as Planet Magazine No. 36 (December 2002) on the classic Planet Magazine site.

Planet Magazine

December Quarter 2002 * Issue No. 36 (Vol. 9, No. 4)
Wild Science Fiction & Fantasy on the Web — Since 1994
Price: Your Soul, Human
to be Gloriously Subsumed

Rendering of a round metallic robot face with big green eyes, flanked by four glowing orbs, in a dark room
Cover illustration: “Kosupure” by Wilhelm Steiner

Table of Contents

Editorial & Letters · About the Authors · About the Artists · About this Magazine

Stories

Poems

Editorial & Letters


Planet says: The way to an alien’s hearts is through its stomachs!

Skiffy Speech

I had not intended to discuss this difficult subject of Science Fiction at this particular time, what with the recent elections among the Muggles and the ongoing war against the Borg. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any Sci-Fi/Fantasy-but-not-horror-or-magical-realism-although-weird-SF-is-OK-related issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. The public has asked me how I feel about Science Fiction in general, given my stature in the free/no-pay-SF-Webzine arena and given the SF genre’s far-seeing ideas and thus its national (if not pan-galactic) security implications. All right, here is how I feel about Science Fiction.

If when you say Science Fiction you mean the sub-literature spelled Sci-Fi and pronounced “skiffy”, the only friend of antisocial pimply youth, the movie in which you can hear explosions in space, that cheerfully disregards time-travel paradox, allows for raygun-toting space marines to wield cutlasses, and ensures sequels, the story which affixes a rainbow-colored unicorn’s horn to the snout of a wise, magical dragon, creating fan-fiction clubs and their Web rings, yeah, the transdimensional demon who literally takes the space elves’ pancakes from the mouths of little alien-hybrid children; if you mean the evil tales that topple the typical sitcom-watching man and woman from the pinnacle of normal TV habits into the bottomless pit of collecting all Babylon 5 episodes on enhanced DVD, while shamelessly dressed as a Minbari or, worse, as Neelix (or any other Talaxian, for that matter), or as Greedo the Rodian, or any other vaguely reptilian hominid from a completely different SF universe, or even if, may St. Leibowitz forfend, you mean one of the countless free SF-related Web-zines — then certainly I am against it.

But, if when you say Science Fiction you mean the geriatric spice (melange) of free thinking, the “Philip K. Dick-inspired” story, the extremely personal ideas that are consumed when fans converge for the weekend at a Ramada Inn near Philadelphia to celebrate Being Furry, the subculture that puts a Filk song in their hearts, the repeated quotation “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for!” on their lips, and a positronic glow of contentment in their huge, almond-shaped reflective eyes; if you mean annual Christmas-themed-Santa-is-really-a-Martian-issue cheer; if you mean the classic “City on the Edge of Forever” episode that puts the spring in the old rubber-Vulcan-ear-wearing nerd’s step on a morning that’s colder than the deep-space abode of V’Ger; if you mean the yarn which enables a Klingon-speaking grown man to magnify his obsession, and his mania, and to forget, if only for a little while, life’s humdrum responsibilities, like family, work, and community, or life’s tragedies, like the cancelation of “Farscape”, and the lack of intelligent nonhumans in “Firefly”; if you mean that kind of cartoonish Dune prequel, of which the sale of the movie and merchandising rights pours into Hollywood executives’ personal treasuries untold millions of dollars, the taxes (net, not gross proceeds) on which are used to provide no-name “D” batteries for our plastic flashlight-saber-waving children, and a raison d’etre for our Jedi-worshipping teens, our Fedaykin-following adults, our ShadowSpawn-loving senior citizens, even our misfit applicants for foot soldiers in the Black Company, which is The Last of the Free Companies of Khatovar, and encourages young computer engineers to build even higher-resolution, Maxfield Parrish-like special effects at ILM for sweeping, plotless extravaganzas on the silver screen that could move even The Witch-king of Angmar to tears — then certainly I am for it.

This is my stand on Science Fiction. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise, unless ordered to do so by The Shrike.

Andrew G. McCann, Editor
November 2002

(With Federation-certified apologies to N.S. Sweat, Jr. and his famous, and thankfully public-domain, “Whiskey Speech”. Here’s a link to the original: http://www.rdrop.com/users/jimka/whisky.html)

PLANET MAGAZINE’S ANNUAL REPORT

There’s not much to say here, given zero revenue and zero profit for the preceding fiscal year (excluding monies, gifts, and favors from “Our Friends from The Stars Who Are Destined to Rule Us”, which do not have to be reported under current U.S. Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, although, post-Enron/Worldcom/Etc., that could change). Even so, in an effort to seem responsible, we have jumped on the corporate cost-cutting bandwagon, and are looking for more and new ways to save money. Therefore, starting the day after whatever day you read this, we will be charging writers not only for sending their submissions to us, whether or not they are eventually published, but also for any e-mail communications of any kind with Planet. This goes for artists too, and even for readers. Even if you think about Planet Magazine, however fleetingly (even at the mitochondrial level), you should send us money. The flat rate is $10 per e-mail or thought, but we encourage you to pay more. If this works out as planned, we will start pulling in an annual profit that’s well in excess of 175 tetrahedrillion space-dollars. Note that all of our revenue projections should be considered “pro forma” (which is Latin for “you wish”).

At the same time, Planet will outsource all of its editing functions to some of the smaller of the former Confederation of Independent States, known prior to that as the USSR. Note that this will slow our turnaround time a bit for submissions, to anywhere from 6 months to 18 years (or maybe decades), since very few citizens of these non-English-speaking countries have computers, or much of a postal system, and might not know how to read, or write.

As for Planet’s current editors, this outsourcing will free us up to focus on more long-range, big-idea projects, such as finding ways to distribute Planet to possible nano- or pico-sized civilizations, which may or may not be living in that glass of milk that’s been sitting on the breakfast table all morning in Planet’s Group Home.

Signed,
Andrew G. McCann
Chief Ceremonial Officer / Self-Taught Auditor
Planet Magazine

REGULATORY NOTE:

Planet Magazine (SM), a leading manufacturer of free Web-based science fiction zines, announced today that its President and Chief Executive Officer, Andrew G. McCann, and its Senior Vice President of Finance and Chief Financial Officer, Biedermeier X. Leeuwenhoek, have certified to the U.S. Science Fiction and Fantasy Commission that the Magazine’s Quarterly Report on Form 2002-SFF for the quarterly period ended September 30, 2002, fully complies with the GASFFP (generally accepted SF & Fantasy principles) requirements of Section V (a) of the Science Fiction & Fantasy Act of 1984 and that the infotainment contained therein fairly presents, in all material respects, the dire financial condition and negative results of operations of the Company.

Signed,
Fudnoy Q. Blick
Recording Secretary
Planet Magazine

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor: Hi. My name is Joe Sasson. I created a free kids (of all ages) website named theplanetw.com. It is sci-fi and fantasy oriented.
Joe Sasson
http://www.theplanetw.com

Dear Editor: This is Nadia Lemmon, and my husband is science fiction and fantasy writer Don Lemmon from http://www.planetofthegods.com. I invite your readers to visit our site. Planet of the Gods could have been your typical good-versus-evil fantasy novel, but it goes way deeper. If you are a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars fan… You’ll become a Planet of the Gods fan overnight.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Lemmon

Dear Editor: Odyssey, a six-week workshop for writers of science fiction, fantasy, and horror, held annually at Southern New Hampshire University, has announced its Summer 2003 session. The award-winning author Gene Wolfe will be the special writer-in-residence for the session. New to the program this year are the Gandalf Grants, which were created to provide financial assistance to writers wishing to attend the Odyssey Writing Workshop. The 2003 guest lecturers are Melissa Scott, Roland J. Green, Bruce Holland Rogers, John Crowley, and literary agent Lori Perkins.
Jeanne Cavelos, Director
More Info: http://www.sff.net/odyssey

Letters to Failed ‘Kwisatz Haderach’ Candidates

Dear Count Hasimir Fenring: I built a time machine, and it worked. I left the year 1976, when I was 16 years old, and arrived here just last week. Unfortunately, I’ve found that time travel ages you one year for each year in the future that you travel. So I am now about 42. Not much of a benefit to me really, although I didn’t have to go through all that college, career, marriage, mortgage, children, etc. stuff. So, anyway, if you see me on the street panhandling for funds for my Reverse Time Machine, please drop in a few extra dollars.
With Tear-Filled Eyes,
Watt. A. Screu-Oppe

Dear Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen: Have you ever noticed that you can’t pick and choose the cable-TV channels you want — like, keep HBO but dump CNN? And that you can’t have your home phone and your cell phone link to the same number? And that you can’t find toothbrush handles that are thin enough to fit into the toothbrush holders built into the walls? And that you can’t fit the double- and triple-roll Charmin into the built-in wall dispensers? And that you can’t get away from people making ironic “meta-observations” about wacky modern life, even under the guise of commenting on these commentaries? And that, eventually, escalating this concept leads to commenting on the commenting on the commentaries? You could blame people like Stephen Wright, Andy Rooney, or Jerry Seinfeld. But I blame Saddam.
Literally,
Fay Savalue

Dear Jimmy Atreides: The biggest problem, I feel, with the Lord of the Rings movies (besides, for example, the constantly changing relative sizes of the Hobbits and everyone else) is that I was not cast in the film, specifically as the 10th member of the Fellowship, a character, in fact, of my own devising — Cthultor! This character is a crawling, black THING from an icy, nameless black hole deep in space — an all-powerful creature with the ability to crush Sauron to a smoking cinder with one, simple thought-pulse. It’s not too late, though. I believe this character could be deftly woven into a re-edit of the first film in the series by shooting an early scene where Cthultor kills Tom Bombadil in a knife fight over some sultry Hobbit wench down in a Tookland pub. Then, in a series of crosscuts, he would flee to the Barrow Downs, kill the wights and steal their weapons, jewelry, and energy points (to get extra lives for the Fellowship), and there meet the boys on their way to Bree. Simple. Also, the magma-powered flying stone car of Cthultor, which appears when he winks and snaps his fingers, could get the Hobbits down to Mordor in about 30 minutes from anywhere in Western Europe, I mean, New Zealand, I mean, Middle Earth. You wouldn’t even need to do a third film in the series. One more thing: since Cthultor is even more powerful than the Ishtar, or even the Valeries, you could even the playing field and make a more satisfying picture by having him phase in and out of existence during the film — maybe while flying the stone car! Scary for the Hobbits! This phase-shifting would be due to the fact that Cthultor comes from an alternate fantasy universe, where there is no magic, only hideous, megalomaniacal meddlers.
I Await Peter Jackson’s Call,
Cath Ultore

Dear Siegfried & Roy: One day a speeder was stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened stormtroopers who looked over the two robots sitting in the speeder along with an old man and a young lad. One trooper questioned the young man, who was named Luke:

TROOPER: How long have you had these droids?

LUKE: About three or four seasons.

BEN (the old man): They’re for sale if you want them.

TROOPER: Let me see your identification.

Luke becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while Ben speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled Voice. [Editor’s note: Ben’s ability to use Voice was due to his Bene Gesserit (no relation to Ben) training, which he underwent at Jedi Night School, in Cleveland, Ohio. Although Ben was not a failed Kwisatz Haderach, he became adept at using Voice, even when his words were printed, and he found it quite easy to sway the weak-minded.]

BEN: You don’t need to see his identification.

[Editor’s Note: We don’t need to see his identification.]

BEN: These are not the nerds you’re looking for.

[Editor’s Note: These are not the nerds we’re looking for.]

BEN: He can go about his business.

[Editor’s Note: You can go about your business.]

BEN: Move along.

[Editor’s Note: Move along. Move along.]
Move Along,
U. Ben Hadd

Dear Ron Silver: I’ve noticed you publish a lot of SFku, and I’d like to offer my own:

SFku

Oh, San Francisco!
Just what have you got to do
with Science Fiction?

Please publish this and e-mail me three copies of your Webzine as payment.
Thanks,
Sam Freaudeau

Dear David Hasselhoff: Like the person who wrote the first letter, I also built a time machine that works. It uses a “real time” technology; thusly, if you wanted to travel from January 1, 2002, to January 1, 2003, you’d enter the time machine with lots of food and drink supplies and sit in it for 365 days. When you’d emerge, there you’d be in the future, exactly a year later! Works like a charm, and there are no moving parts. Make your deposit today! Avoid the rush!
With Gimlet Eyes,
Al Skamya

Dear Bill Clinton: I am Peter Jackson, director of “The Lord of the Rings Colon” series of films, and I wanted to announce in your e-pages that I have decided to NOT ever film the book, “The Hobbit”, which precedes the LotR: series. The reason is that it has come to my attention that Leonard Nimoy’s classic “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” has now been widely disseminated on the Internet. I cannot compete with that. In its stead, I now plan to film an all-new musical, “The Ballad of Sarek”, about a brave young Vulcan who journeys there and back again to Mt. Vulcano, logically avoiding all dangers and drama, and in the process earns his Pointy Ears.
Throwin’ Another Hobbit on the Barby,
Peter Jackson

Dear Gore Vidal: Hi, my name is Grashlak and I’m a Recovering Minion of Sauron. All Glory and Praise to Him! Oops. Sorry, that’s a hard habit to break. Anyway, I’m here today to warn the kids among your readers that a life of service to the Dark Lord is not the fun and games you might expect. For one, you’ve got to be home by 8 p.m. Then, after a day of praising the Dark Lord while marching and drilling and running errands, it’s time to mind the orc kids while mother takes a break. Every Saturday, you’ve got to mow the lawn, which takes hours and ruins the blades, since it’s gravel and pumice that you’re mowing. And on Sundays, it’s Dark Lord worship and service most of the day. I mean, come on, what kind of life is that for a goblin!? And it’s even worse for humans! I should be out there slaying innocent victims, night and day, with a bit of pillaging thrown in and all other ancillary activities that apply. Frankly, I think He might have more true believers among us Orcs if he helped out a little now and then with the yard work, for example, or perhaps did some babysitting. He could rake the yard for me with a mere wave of His hand — but it’s always “too busy on confidential Dark Lord business”. I guess that’s what the “Dork” Lord is calling “Grand Theft Auto III – Vice City” these days! But don’t quote me.
Bye,
Grashlak

Dear Neil Bush: Inventor Dean Kamen here. It’s true that the Segway (http://www.segway.com) was not the “It” that I had been promising for so long (although the name is a good pun, you’ve got to give me that much). Now, I swear that I’m not kidding when I reveal here that the “real It” I had been talking about is a Personal Jetpack I’ve developed for letter carriers, or local commuting and errands, or perhaps office parks, or university campuses, or maybe developing countries, or perhaps even short-range exploration on the surface of Mars. Really, it’s true! The Segway was just a diversion and not meant to be actually used by anyone. Now, eventually, when Jetpack users start regularly crashing into windows on the second floors of buildings, or colliding with each other in midair, or simply setting afire their owner’s azaelea bushes one too many times upon takeoff, I will then have to introduce “the actual real It”, since my lawyers gave me the impression that this will help with the inevitable lawsuits. (Lord knows the Segway is some young Johnny Cochran’s retirement plan!) I don’t know yet what I’m going to pull out of my hat for subsequent alleged “Its”, but I do have a feeling they will involve time travel and eventually journeys to an alternate dimension of reality — where, by the way, I keep a summer home.
Best,
Dean

Dear Michael Jackson: I’m very excited because my wife tells me that for my 50th birthday she is going to have me youth-anized! I guess it’s some sort of facelift, but in any case she tells me that I have an appointment already scheduled with a world-famous physician, a Doctor K. Vorkian. Wish me luck!
Later!
Neff R. Reed-Snewzpapers

Dear Simon Callow: Sometimes, I look at my girlfriend and think, “Wow, she’s so beautiful.” And then I realize, “No, no… I’M beautiful!” But what can I say, I’m a guy. We think like that. Although, to tell you the truth, sometimes I wonder whether I really am a guy, and not some beautiful lesbian who was actually gazing into a mirror the whole time. I guess we’ll never know, will we? Unless, perhaps, I get up from my very comfortable home-theater chair and feel around the perimeter of my “girlfriend” for any mirror-frame edges.
Sigh,
Lei Z. ‘Les’ Bienne

Dear Elrond: This is Isildur666 with a shout-out to my hackerz — the way I see it, we got a big job facing us. Hack mother nature! With all these species dying or mutating and these killer plants and insects encroaching on foreign ecosystems, we’ve got to get active. I see basically an open-source structure to, first, write some code to patch nature, so She can fight off these problems (for example, rapid loss of rain-forest habitat in one area, like the Amazon, could cause counter-balancing rapid growth of rain forest elsewhere in the world, maybe a place that needs some trees, such as Antartica or the Gobi. Of course, these will need to be ‘super-trees’ of some kind, perhaps with the ability to walk to find water). Such code will require the development of a machine-language-level interface to reality. Command-line is fine, but, as a Mac fan, I think we should consider a beautiful Aqua-type GUI. Second, we need to add a ‘weapons’ layer (i.e., fists, M-16s, laser rifles) to nature, so that we can frag some of these bad critters. Bye bye, kudzu; c ya later, Africanized honey bees, nice knowing ya (not!) sex-change leopard frogs!. Anyway, I have more details on my blog. Or you can catch me on ICQ 24/7365.
Morgoth Lives!
Isildur666

Dear Mr. Sulu: This plea goes out to all the peoples of all nations of this Earth, as well as beings, both incarnate and discarnate, throughout the known Omniverse who have a stake in this planet’s future. We must all do what we can to make this world a better place — like the person in the previous letter suggests — and part of that is to improve the soundness of the economic environment, in particular, key industries. To that point, just recently, the latest earnings figures for Krispy Kreme donuts were released, and they once again show continuing strength. This is very positive, and indicates to me that there is light at the end of the long, dark tunnel that we have all been traveling through for what feels like a very long time. However, I believe we can still do better. A lot better. So keep that in mind for the next time when you feel hungry (and if you’re anything like me, that’s about once every five minutes!).
Sincerely and according to GAAP,
Chris P. Kreim (no relation)

Dear Luke Skywalker: Look, I don’t know how to convey the absolute seriousness of my feelings, because, unfortunately, the human language appears to be ill-equipped for such an overwhelmingly complex task. Suffice it to say that my seriousness is literally immeasurable, and no matter how you quantify it, my seriousness is greater!
I’m Serious,
Sir E. Yusse

Dear Bugs Bunny: I would like to officially protest the US government’s plan to bomb all men with mustaches. This seems completely unfair and indiscriminate. For example, such a strategy could very well kill famed American author Samuel Clemens (dba Mark Twain), were he alive, as well as eliminate most, if not all, of the circus strongmen in the world, which would be a tragedy, however absurd. Which reminds me: Have you ever seen the Vegetable Tamers at the PETA Circus? They’re not very scary, but they do end up with the makings of a delicious ratatouille, unlike the unappetizing rat-a-tat of Bush’s anti-bigtop policies!
Regards,
Kofi Klatch
President, The United Nations

Dear Editor: This is your Emperor speaking. I hereby command all “hackers” out there among the federated planets to immediately cease and desist in your continued defilings of the Imperial Web site. Such actions will be met with the strongest possible military action by Imperial Sardaukar or Imperial Stormtroopers, etc., depending on which of the many Sci-Fi universes you inhabit. I must go now, as I am in the middle of a Google.com “ego search”.
Exaltedly,
The Emperor

Planet Magazine is funded by Kentucky Pink Chicken, a wholly owned unit of Permanent Alien Invasion Inc.

About the Authors

Graham Adair (“Quantum Physics: There’s a Thing“) is aged 33, works in I.T., lives near Edinburgh in Scotland, and has been writing for several years, mostly sci-fi. Planet Magazine gave him his first taste of success, publishing ‘Temporal Exile’ back in March 2001, and since then he’s gone on to have a further eight stories published in various e-zines (details on request). “Quantum Physics…” is his first and only attempt at a humorous science poem, though he stands by his ‘art’. (Graham wishes it to be known that the views expressed in the poem aren’t necessarily his own — he only wrote them down.) Graham has been published in Spacerat (www.spacerat.co.uk), The Martian Wave, Creative Writing Online (www.creativewritingonline.com), Sweet Fancy Moses (www.sweetfancymoses.com), and Stick Your Neck Out (www.stickyourneckout.com).

Forrest Aguirre (“The Equalizer“) has written for several venues, including Flesh & Blood, Indigenous Fiction, Redsine, and The Journal of Experimental Fiction. “The Butterfly Artist” — a chapbook of his surreal short-shorts — is due out next month, barring the untimely explosion of the press on which the book is to be printed. You laugh? He has seen these things happen. The results are not pretty. Forrest is a reviewer for Project Pulp and is managing editor for Ministry of Whimsy press.

Francis W. Alexander (“Twin Clones Haiku“) has had scifaiku published in Star*Line, Scavenger’s Newsletter, and Beyond. He has also had haiku published in Modern Haiku, Frogpond, and other publications.

Ray Dangel (Associate Editor and Staff Robot) spends most of his time in front of the nearest mirror, gazing at himself as he turns slowly from side to side in utter awe. He didn’t used to do that before nanobots invaded his beard and caused each whisker to wave constantly during every waking hour. Planet management tried to encourage him to shave off the beard, as his productivity has been really low since it was animated, but Ray will have none of that. He’s discovered how to tune the beard to whatever FM station he wishes to monitor, and now is trying to get a patent on it. We’ve contacted the FAA to ascertain if this beard might be a threat to airline safety when we send Ray on business trips.

Andrew Darling (“Shoveling Snow“) is a grad student at Drexel University, trying to be the best mad scientist he possibly can be, going for dual Masters in Biomedical Science and Mechanical Engineering. When not breeding giant insects or marveling at the Van der Waals forces involved in gecko adhesion, he is stalking the streets of Philadelphia in search of crime… or failing that, really good pizza on South Street.

Greg Guerin (“Redemption on a Red Plain“) is a 27-year-old post-graduate student from Adelaide, South Australia. When he isn’t reading and writing science fiction he plays around with some music and botanizes in the bush. With warmer weather arriving in Adelaide, he can now begin his favourite summer past-times, namely growing summer vegetables, going to the pool, and vegetating in front of the cricket. Greg’s stories have appeared in five science fiction e-zines. .

Marcelo Hipolito & Marcelo Machado (“The Unborn“): Marcelo Hipolito is 32 years old and lives in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He has a degree in Cinema, and also in Business Administration.

Marcelo Machado is 35 years old and also lives in Rio de Janeiro. He is an actor/writer/director of both TV and theatre and is currently studying Philosophy at the Rio de Janeiro State University.

Marcelo Hipolito wrote and directed two short-length films: “Bom Dia, Cinema” (Good Morning, Cinema) and “O Homem na Escada” (The Man On The Stairs). He produced and edited the short-length film “Saçaricando” (Having Fun).

Marcelo Machado wrote the short-length films “O Corvo e o Vento” (The Crow and the Wind) and “A Dama de Ouro Preto” (The Ouro Preto Lady).

As a team, Marcelo Hipolito & Marcelo Machado develop scripts for both television and cinema. The also write short stories: “Weird World: Bats of a Fur”; “The Choices We Make”; “Eternal Grief”; “The Unborn”, “Cold”; “The Circle of Life”; and “Home”.

Marcelo Hipolito & Marcelo Machado are currently working on their first anthology.

Ian Hunter (“Nicotine Fits“) is from Alexandria, VA, and is a recent graduate of T.C. Williams H.S. (GO TITANS!… even though I have yet to see the movie). For years he was obsessed with Star Wars.

Allen Itz (“Fleshware“) was born and grew up in south Texas and, except for some of his rowdier years, has lived there most of his life. He currently splits his time between San Antonio, in the Texas hill country, and Corpus Christi, on the coast. Both places, very different from each other, have much that pleases him. Allen published a couple of poems in the late Sixties/early Seventies, then quit writing until he retired several years ago. Since then, he’s had work published in a number of online and print journals, including The Melic Review, Niederngasse, Eclectica, The Horsethief’s Journal, The Green Tricycle, beatnik, AvantGarde Times, The Poet’s Canvas, Maelstrom, and others. He’s been a science fiction fan for fifty years, including both the shoot-em-up space operas and the deeper kind of work that looks for answers to the universal mysteries. Allen dips into some of those kinds of questions himself, in some of his poems, represented in this instance by “fleshware.” One of the greatest rewards Allen receives from writing is the response his work generates in those who read it. Accordingly, he’s always pleased to hear from readers at his e-mail address.

Leo Jenicek (“Dance Machine“) was born and raised in New York City. He is still hoping to have a Robot friend.

Ellen Lindquist (“Alien Tot“) lives in Atlanta with her pet alien. She has been published in Pif Magazine, the Central California Poetry Journal, the cafe irreal, and others. Her short story, Cuppa, was a recent winner of Fiction Inferno’s Very Short Fiction Contest. To read more about her, including an author interview, go to http://www.midnightmind.com and click on Author Profiles.

Marcelo Machado & Marcelo Hipolito (“The Unborn“) have a bio above, filed under “H”.

Andrew G. McCann (“Editorial & Letters“, Editor) is available to edit science fiction stories at weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc. Fee is $60 for four hours of editing within 100 miles of NYC; otherwise, it’s $75. At least one full meal, a bottomless cup of coffee, and no more than two stories of no more than 1,000 words each must be provided. All stories supplied must be unpublished and have been written by authors who have passed at least Part 1 of the U.S. Certified Science Fiction Writers & Corporate Temp Program under the auspices of the Int’l Union of Science Fiction Manufacturers Academy. Important: Observers and guests may not touch the editor, speak to him (including any cooing sounds), or make eye contact with him while he is editing.
editor@planetmag.com

Edward McKeown (“People?“) was born in NYC and moved to Charlotte in 1985, where he writes, teaches martial arts, and lives with his artist-wife Schelly Keefer. His work has been published in SF e-zines, “Bloodlust”, “Millennium”, “Planet Magazine”, “The Captain’s Log”, the art newspaper “Independence Boulevard” and print magazine, Pastel Journal. In September 2003, he will have a short story, “Lair of the Lesbian Love Godess” published in the anthology “Lowport.” Lair also won an Honorable mention in the 2002 Writer’s Digest contest for short stories. “New York Minute” won first prize in the Canadian “X the Unknown” contest for 2000. Edward is looking for a publisher for his completed SF trilogy and eventually plans a collection of the “Lair” stories.
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Andy Miller (“Pacific“), works for a company affiliated with the government, which has him under surveillance “for his own good”. His poetry has been published in Star*line, Space and Time, Would That It Were, etc.

Richard W. Novy (“At the Mercy of the Budget“) works as a device engineer for a top-ten semiconductor company. When he’s not trying to figure out why microchips don’t work, he composes, plays clarinet, and fixes the things his children break. Richard is also a published non-fiction writer.

Hathno Paige (Whereabouts Unknown), who is thumb-sized, was reared by his mother in a green Tupperware lettuce container, inspired by John Travolta’s “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble”. It was a happy life, at least until his drunk father accidentally dumped him into a Waldorf salad. Allergic to walnuts, his violent sneezes saved him from being consumed, but so horrified the dinner guests that his mother died of embarrassment.

Carl Rafala (“Nexus“) was born in Connecticut some time in the recent past. He has traveled much of the world, and has studied in South Africa for many years. He recently received his Master’s in English from the University of South Africa, and is now working on a degree in Higher Education at a university in Connecticut. He has published stories in various zines, most notably “Twilight Times” and “Silverthought”. .

William Alan Rieser (“The Aegis Crop” and “Edge Cutter“), born in New York City, less than 3 miles from the World Trade Center, originally was a musician and spent many years composing, conducting, teaching, and performing music on the East Coast. His earliest writing influences were Tolkien, H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, and Poul Anderson. He is now retired in Fort Worth, Texas, with his wife, Sandra, who edits his writings and doesn’t give him the slightest break on syntax or style, even though he expresses nought but loving thoughts to her. For several years he experimented with short stories for SF/F e-zines but now prefers to concentrate on more developed themes. In this last year, he published “The Kaska Trilogy” and “The Chronicles of Zusalem” via Writers Club Press, an organization associated with iUniverse and Barnes and Noble. His latest novel, “Luna Parabella“, has received a rave review at Amazon.com. Many other novels have been completed and are awaiting publication, such as “Furnace” and “Luna Parabella”. His articles, humorous and serious, are popping up everywhere, especially in his column at scifantastic. Currently, he is working on a mainstream novel and promises a mystery. He enjoys talking to writers, novice or professional, and encourages contact.
Web site: http://rieserbooks.homestead.com/rieserbooks.html

Ian Fulton Roberts (“Graviton Gliding” and “Tzykkaar’s Gambit“) lives in New York City with his wife, Fabienne, and the ghost of his cat — “Mr. Big.” Don’t ask him about the ghost of his cat, since he’ll probably talk about the Twentieth-Century theory of Calibi-Yau space and the things that scratch his thoughts within the window that we live.

Richard Stevenson (“Crop Circles“) teaches English in southern Alberta and has published thirteen collections of poetry. His most recent is a collection of African senryu, haiku, and tanka, “Hot Flashes” (Ekstasis Editions, 2001 ); his second most recent, “Live Evil: A Homage to Miles Davis” (thistledown Press, 2000 ).
Web site: http://www.pi-flora.com/pi/write/rs/default.htm

E.S. Strout (“Buckyball” and “Fade to Black“) has been published in small-press print magazines “Crossroads”, “Lovecraft’s Mystery Magazine”, “Fading Shadows”, “Mad Scientist”, and “Millennium Science Fiction and Fantasy Magazine”. His stories have also appeared in the Internet publications “Jackhammer”, “Beyond s-f”, “Millennium SF&F”, and “Demensions”. E.S. Strout is on the faculty of the U.C. Irvine Medical Center, where he teaches skin pathology to dermatology residents.

Thomas Wagner (Associate Editor), during a routine foraging expedition at Safeway, was gored by a stick of wild pepperoni. His blood lipids are expected to fully recover by 2025.

Chris M. Webb (“The Administrator“) was born in Ottawa, Canada, about a year after Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, so he missed that. He did however see Star Wars in the theater. Chris currently is in Japan, where he has been on and off since 1997. He enjoys writing when not wasting his time singing karaoke, watching videotaped North American TV for the third time, or deciphering his junk mail. He has had short stories published in Challenging Destiny and Liquid Idaho. He has recently completed a comic fantasy novel called “Lost Cold and Hungry” which he hopes …well…what every other aspiring writer hopes for except for the wine and cheese parties, because he really does prefer beer with a good plate of nachos.

Nancy Wilcox (“At The Rigel Five, Hey It’s Alive, Saloon“) was born in the oilfields of West Texas. She spent a couple of years in the Women’s Army Corps, and it seems like the rest of her life raising a couple of exceptionally gifted sons. As a reader of SF, she cut her teeth on Heinlein and Asimov. In her twenties she fell in love with Panshin and Zelazny and Douglas Adams. Now she’s enamored of Glen Cook and Terry Pratchett. She gets older, but Science Fiction just gets better.

Planet says, that they say that Planet has a saying, which is that the Fremen have a saying, which is: “And there shall be a magazine called Planet, and it shall be ironic in tone, yet the stories and art in it will be of a fine quality, and the editors shall have noble visages yet not without a nerdy cast, and these editors shall know the ways of free science fiction and fantasy Web-based zines as if born to them…”

About the Artists

Samuel “Esteban” Delgado (art for “The Administrator“) is a self-taught artist. Visit http://www.forbiddenrealms.com/ to read more about his evolvement as an artist, with specific emphasis on his interest in the genres of Heroic Fantasy and Science Fiction Art.

Ehrad (art for “The Aegis Crop“, “At The Rigel Five, Hey It’s Alive, Saloon“, “Crop Circles“, “Fade to Black“, and “Nexus“) is a long time photo-retoucher with several passions in life… space art, mysticism, gardening, family, and cartooning. The cartooning aspect of her life is at present an all-consuming fire, and she is currently exploring the concept of “wholeness” through a tribal sci-fi comic called ERADUON, due to be published online in early 2003. Aside from all of the other craziness that is her existence, she still maintains an enormous love for all life forms, and has set about the task of knitting the universe together into the diverse mosaic that it truly is.

Romeo Esparrago (Artistic Arachnoid; art for “Graviton Gliding“, “People?“, and “Shoveling Snow“) is a controversial but harmless guy, which was confirmed by U.N. inspectors after they visited the following site: http://www.romedome.com/. His wish list for this coming holiday season is Chicken Fried Elmo, Repugnant Barbie, Mini RV cars, Bratzwurst Dolls, Fumbles Furball Toy, and the itchy Chia Pet! Check out how he put the art together for Edward Mckeown’s “People?” at http://www.romedome.com/art/planetmag/lennedle/

Matt Gaser (art for “Redemption on a Red Plain“) works for a video game company called Stormfront Studios, which is currently making the Lord Of The Rings Game. His job on the team is Lead Concept Artist. Matt graduated from Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, majoring in Illustration. He has had a strong passion for fantasy Illustration since he was a small child and believes that SF stories combined with lush illustrations are always fun to read.

Senthil Kumar GK (art for “Fleshware” and “Twin Clones Haiku“), having done his degree in Applied Art from Chitra Kala Parishat, Bangalore, realized that he needed to do something that interested him more, things like character design, comic illustration, and animation. For this to materialize, joining “National Institute of Design” India, became his dream. He was lucky and his hard work paid off. He completed his diploma at “National Institute of Design” with specialization in Animation Film Design. Currently, he works as a senior creative designer with Communication Design Group, Infosys Technologies Ltd. Involved in visualizing and developing graphics for in-house Multimedia presentations, product demos, simulation software, UI design for Web, Posters, animation, and video and for different media. He pursues his interest in creative work with dedication. Basically, his fields of interest are after-death phenomena, psychology, Pain, science fiction, and character design. There is no out-burst of happiness and well-being. Most of his works are an explosion of the internal pain which ultimately brings in the artistic pleasure through an intricate balance, and he likes to explore the other “ends” or the opposites.

Carl Goodman (art for “Pacific” and “Quantum Phsyics: There’s a Thing“) is an unrepentant Brit on the wrong side of forty living in Surrey, England. He started as a traditional graphic designer in the days when hot metal type was still being used for newspapers. His first encounter with computers was, bizarrely, writing databases for a retail company (he’s still not entirely sure how this happened). He began working with computer graphics in the late 1980s, and has still not been able to kick the habit. At 105 kilos, he thinks it’s fairly safe to say he’s an industry heavyweight.
Web-site: www.peppersghost.com

Andy McCann (art for “Buckyball” and “Nicotine Fits“) flies a magma-powered stone car, with which he has a symbiotic relationship, and he frequently fades out … … … … and then back in to existence. Fun Fact: “The Lord of the Rings” is actually an allegory of Andy’s years at high school, presciently anticipated decades before by the series’ renowned author, I.T. Token-Ring.

Matt Newman (art for “Edge Cutter“) offers “10 Things You Never Knew About Matt Newman”:
– He is Canadian and proud of it, and has lived in 4 of the 13 provinces and teritories.
– He learned to draw from creating comic books, and even created his own comics series.
– He went to Vancouver film school for New Media and now works there part-time.
– He is bad at spelling but doesn’t mind, ’cause pictures are worth a thousand words.
– He skateboarded regularly until two years ago, when he broke his ankle and had six screws and a plate put in.
– He was born in the Year of the Tiger under the sign of Leo and is a cat person.
– He failed grade 12 art becuase he didn’t write the paper explaining his enviro-political paintings (Dying Man’s Apology to a Fish, People Forest, and Landfill for Lunch).
– He loves video games as an interactive story-telling method and thinks they will evolve and mature.
– He has lots of toys, and plays with them.
– He loves science fiction.

Georgi Ostashov (art for “At the Mercy of the Budget“) was born in St. Petersburg, Russia, and currently lives in Denmark. He has always been interested in different kinds of visual art. He started with traditional media, and then the computer became the most essential tool in his art-creation process. It allows him to work on the image in less time and with far more control than it would take using traditional techniques. His works may be characterized as digital mixtures made from painting, drawing, photos, and media experimentation. Artists that inspire him include Miran Kim, H.R.Giger, Francis Bacon, Dali, Aivazovsky, and J.M.W. Turner. Although most of his works have a gloomy atmosphere, it does not mean he is some kind of psycho or devil worshiper; he just believes that one of the greatest things about art is that it gives us the ability to see, imagine, and feel things in certain ways. In his case it’s the way he sees transformation of these things into dark, brutal, and surreal visions.
Web site: http://www.home13.net/

Eric Seaholm (art for “Dance Machine” and “Tzykkaar’s Gambit“) has been creating art for most of his life. Growing up near Houston, Texas, the earliest memory he has is of drawing sailboats with his dad when he was four or five years old. Recently turning 34, he thinks of art as the main focus of his life, rather than something he just does. Currently living in Tokyo, he designs and draws every day, sometimes carrying a sketch book on the train. The locals sometimes glance at him. Perhaps some wonder what this foreigner is doing trying to draw on such a bumpy train ride. Hey, the bumpy ride adds to the uncertainty of the art.
Web-site: www.seaholm.com

Patrick Stacy (art for “The Unborn“), like many before, started young. His main emphasis in childhood was in comics. Never content, the challenge was then to illustrate freehand — now that would be talent. Early influences are still inspirational today, such as the legendary Frazetta, Vallejo, and Parrish. Classical influences were Rubens and Caravaggio. Stacy was winner of the L.Ron Hubbard’s Illustrators of the Future contest in 1996 and has two illustrations within the volume.

Wilhelm Steiner (art for cover, “Alien Tot“, and “The Equalizer“) was born in 1976 and educated at the Polytechnical University for Multimediaart, Salzburg. His inspirations include movies (Ghost in a Shell, Brazil, Bladerunner, Crash, Fight Club, Lain Serial Experiments, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas), comics (Battle Angel Alita, From Hell, The Invisibles, Johnny the Homocidal Maniac, Squee!, Calvin & Hobbes), music (Velvet Acid Christ, Download, Aphex Twin, Alec Empire, Haujobb, Sonic Subjunkies, Boards of Canada, Silke Bischoff, Massive Attack). Tools include Adobe Photoshop 5.0, Adobe Illustrator, 3D Studio Max 3.0, Metacreations Poser 4.0, Wacom tablet, Olympus Camedia. Please visit his Web site for more information.
Web site: http://www.deaddreamer.com/

For Auction on eBay: Selim Wormrider’s toupee. This is the exact same toupee (or reasonable facscimile thereof) that was blown off Selim’s head during his original sandworm journey on Arrakis.

About this Magazine (Masthead)


Planet Says: Beam Me Up from The Matrix, Oh Jedi-Master Frodo!

Planet Magazine, Vol. 9, No. 4 (the 36th issue)

Home Site: http://www.planetmag.com

Mirror Site: http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet

Lord Wizard
Andrew G. McCann
editor@planetmag.com

Exalted Ornamentalist
Romeo Esparrago

Royal Scrivener and Staff Robot
Ray Dangel

Bard of the Empire
Tom Wagner

What In The World Is Planet Magazine?
Planet Magazine is the free, award-winning quarterly Web-zine of short science fiction and fantasy by emerging writers and digital artists, whom we hope to encourage in their pursuit of the perfect tale or illustration. There could be other reasons we’re doing this, of course, motivations that are obscure and uncomfortable; instincts linked perhaps to primal, nonreasoning urges regarding power and procreation — the very same forces, no doubt, that sank the Atlanteans and their alabaster-towered oceanic empire. And the Dark Gods laffed.

Planet has been available electronically via the World-Wide Web (see the clickable links at the top of this page) and Tin-Foil-Hat Receptron since January 1, 1994. Total circulation is “thousands ‘n’ thousands” per issue worldwide. Feel free to download this zine or make a single printout, as long as you don’t charge for it or alter it in any way. That would be illegal and “not nice.” Submissions are welcomed (see below). Planet does not carry advertising or offer a subscription service, but issues are always available at our Web site, with new ones published every March 1, June 1, September 1, or December 1 (or thereabouts). Letters to the editor are encouraged and are likely to be printed.

Guidelines For Submissions
Planet accepts original, unpublished short science fiction and fantasy stories and poems, as well as digital art, from anyone famous or unfamous (use the lengths in any recent issue as a guideline). We are open to the experimental but will not publish anything we judge to be porno, gore, or in violation (as far as we are able to tell) of any copyrights (such as stories that use Star Trek, Star Wars, or Babylon 5 characters). Since Planet is free and carries no ads, we can’t pay anything except the spirit-sustaining currency of free publicity and life-enhancing good vibes. For full details on submitting stories, poems, or artwork, please visit:
http://www.planetmag.com/submit.htm.

* E-mail text submissions as plain, unformatted files (either as an e-mail attachment or, if short enough, in the body of the e-mail message) to editor@planetmag.com. One submission at a time, please. Two submissions max.

* E-mail illustration submissions separately as e-mail attachments, but Stuff or Zip them first. Alternatively, you could send the URL for an image, and we can go look at it. Images should be 256-color, 16-color, 16-gray, or B&W GIFs or JPEGs only. Send any questions about illustrations to editor@planetmag.com.

Distribution Sites
Planet Magazine is distributed only in Web (HTML) format, which can be read best with any version 3.0 or above Web browser, such as Netscape Navigator, Internet Explorer, Opera, NeoPlanet, iCab, or OmniWeb. Earlier issues of Planet are also available at our Web site in four other electronic formats: text (.txt) for any PC or Mac word-processing program; Acrobat (.pdf), a full-color version for PC or Mac using the free Acrobat Reader); DocMaker, a full-color, self-running file with sounds for Mac only; and Palm (.prc), a text version that requires a Palm PDA and a DOC reader like the freeware CSpotRun. The main place to find Planet is on the Web, either at our home page http://www.planetmag.com or our mirror site http://www.etext.org/Zines/planet.

Copyrights & Disclaimers
Planet Magazine as a whole, including all text, design, and illustrations, is copyright © 2002 by Andrew G. McCann. However, all individual stories and poems in this magazine are copyright © 2002 by their respective authors or artists, who have granted Planet Magazine the right to use these works for this issue in both electronic form and any resulting print-outs by readers for noncommercial, individual use. All people and events portrayed in this magazine are entirely fictitious and bear no resemblance to actual people or events. This publication, along with every past issue of Planet Magazine, is registered with the Copyright Office of the U.S. Library of Congress. Since our first issue, dated January 1994, Planet Magazine has been freely available via the Internet and has consistently used the names “Planet Magazine”, “PlanetZine”, “PlanetMag,” and “McCann’s Planet Magazine” to refer to itself. You may freely distribute this magazine electronically on a noncommercial, nonprofit basis to anyone and print one copy for your personal use, but you may not alter or excerpt Planet in any way without direct, written permission from the publisher, who can be contacted at editor@planetmag.com. Any unauthorized access, reproduction, or transmission of Planet Magazine, in whole or part, is strictly prohibited by U.S. federal law and international copyright law. Planet Magazine is published by Cranberry Street Press, Garden City, N.Y., USA, Andrew G. McCann, publisher.

Colophon
This issue was created with Adobe GoLive 6.0, Graphic Converter 4.4, Painter 4, and BBEdit X on an iMac DV running Max OS 10.1.5. The Planet Magazine logo was designed by Romeo A. Esparrago, Jr., using “Startling” by Dave Bastian, at http://www.davebastian.com/. (Previous logotypes were in Arquitectura and Times New Roman). The text typeface is Arial, and in some older issues Helvetica or Geneva. Please visit the guest artists’ Web pages to learn about the tools they used for their illustrations. Each issue of Planet Magazine is carefully pre-screened by the editors while dressed in Harry Potter robes and wielding Jar Jar Binks pen-sabers.

Planet Magazine ISSN: 1526-1840

“Planet Magazine” is registered with the U.S. Copyright Office