Originally published in Planet Magazine No. 19 (September 1998).
…where the True Secrets of the World are revealed!
Please enter password (even mentally!):
then guess which button to press below!
[Archive note: on the original page, a password box and the four buttons above formed a joke “login”; every button led to the page reproduced below.]
WARNING TO NON MEMBERS!
To join Planet’s Members Only Club, you must guess the password & enter it above, then guess the correct submittal button; you will be allowed only ONE chance!
If you guess wrong, you will be locked out of the Club forever and electronically mindwiped via your computer keyboard, although you should still be able to easily read and comprehend Planet Magazine and wear Members Only-brand jackets, if you so desire.
And we hope maybe you do.
Ahhh…Planet Magazine’s True Secrets…ooohh!
Congratulations!
Given a single chance, you have still guessed correctly. You are obviously psychically attuned to Planet Magazine’s wavelength and now become a full member of Planet Magazine’s Members Only Club, with all associated rights and privileges (which currently are “none”). On the plus side, though, you don’t have to tell anyone you’re a member.
Now, here are the secrets we promised:
Secret 1:
The Truman Show was not a movie, but a thinly veiled documentary and wake-up call. And you, the cleverest readers of Planet Magazine, are the only real people on Earth. Everyone else is an actor. But lie low for now, and we will make our move when the time is “right.”
Secret 2:
The Truman Show was just a movie.
Secret 3:
Secrets 1 and 2 seem to conflict.
Secret 4:
We are studying this situation and will get back to you.
Secret 5:
OK, my boss (whose job it is to monitor my nonstop Web surfing; whatever happened to that Solitaire game, I wonder) just came into my cubicle here at work and revealed to me that everyone in the world is real but me. I’m just an actor — but had never been told — and everyone had been watching my “performance.” Now he says I have to leave the premises and report to the stage manager of a nearby theater, where I will join an in-progress performance of “An Actor’s Nightmare”.
So, gotta go.
